There isn’t enough information in your letter to give an accurate reply, and such situations need a proper assessment and evaluation, but I will take the opportunity to brainstorm with you, and hopefully these ideas and suggestions will be helpful for others as well.
Your wish to see your son thriving and succeeding in limud haTorah is perfectly in place; it should be the ambition of every parent to have children who excel in Torah and mitzvos, and no one should be deterred by the views of those who think that we should “just let children be children.” The childhood years are crucial for setting a course for life, and to allow a child to waste them is a tragedy.
That said, we need to know what is reasonable to expect of a child, as pushing a child beyond his ability is generally counterproductive.
You describe a ten-year-old boy who “hates to think.” Without more information I can’t really know whether this is an accurate and objective statement. Every parent, of course, sees things differently from his children, and it really isn’t possible for parents to fully relate to their children and know how they see things. So, while it could be that from your perspective, your son “hates to think,” it could also be that a) he is simply tired after a long day of cheder and not eager to learn more in his free time; or b) he doesn’t have the same sort of mind as your husband and prefers to learn in a different manner that makes it appear that he is avoiding thinking; or c) any other of a long selection of reasons for what seems to be his “hating” to think.
You mention his lacking “umph.” Is that what it is, or is he just a normal child who wants to take it easy after sitting in class for ten hours? I don’t mean to make you doubt your assessment; I’m just wondering whether the situation is truly as irregular and concerning as you describe it. Remember that Chazal — thousands of years ago — described a child as someone who “runs away from school.” Enthusiasm to learn is not necessarily the norm; looking forward to free time after cheder ends, is to be expected from every normal, healthy child.
Parental Expectations and Child Development
You don’t mention whether this is your oldest child or indeed whether you have other children at all. Very often, when parents have unrealistic expectations of their oldest child, this comes from not being familiar with the usual milestones, and fearing that their child is somehow “behind.” Once we have older children who have passed the childhood years and started to mature, we often calm down and realize that everything happens in its time and that we don’t need to push so hard.
Another thing I don’t know is whether you or your husband are people who push yourselves a lot. Sometimes, parents who demand a lot of themselves, do the same when it comes to their children. In their enthusiasm, they forget that their children still have several years of growing up to do, before they reach the stage of self-motivation.
Interestingly, other parents push their children even though they don’t push themselves at all. As a matter of fact, some push their children precisely because they have given up on themselves and want that “at least” their children should make something of their lives. Becoming aware of these unspoken and sometimes unconscious expectations can be helpful in overcoming them and restoring the proper perspective.
Learning Challenges and Emotional Support
Let’s address another point. You write that your son had a “processing problem” which he has overcome, baruch Hashem, and now he is “fine.” You don’t seem to see him as fine, however. It’s clear you see a problem, and attribute it to some kind of character deficiency. Nonetheless, there is a possibility that your son still has a learning-related issue that is holding him back, and it could be worthwhile for you to have this checked out.
Perhaps, although he seems to be managing well enough in cheder, he is actually forced to expend far more energy than the average boy to keep up. In such cases, expecting boys who are already exerting themselves more than the norm to come home at the end of a long day and sit down for another hour or more to learn, is unreasonable and unrealistic. If he does need some help in learning, or with whatever other issue he has, time should be made for this during the school day, not after it.
The other possibility is that you are right, and your son is actually doing just fine, keeping up with a normal amount of effort, and enjoying his leisure time after he comes home. He’s just ten years old, after all. There will be plenty of time in yeshivah for him to sit and learn with hasmadah (and, we hope, geshmak and cheishek too). For now, leaving him to fulfill the basics and grow up gradually may be the best investment you can make in his future.
Family Dynamics and Learning Together
From your letter, it sounds very much like you and your husband are on the same page with this issue, which is a wonderful thing. But it’s worth addressing this too. Unfortunately, many couples allow issues with their children to turn into shalom bayis issues and then conflate the two, making it much harder to solve either one.
All the same, even the most well-intentioned mommy sometimes inadvertently makes things more difficult by hovering over her husband while he learns with their son, or by having (through no fault of her own — since she’s never been a boy or a father, she doesn’t know) unrealistic expectations of how things should look. It’s often beneficial for everyone involved, for the father and son to go and learn together in a shul or anywhere peaceful outside the home, which can go a long way to dissolving tensions.
Another thing that can help is for the wife to encourage and support her husband, by recognizing how challenging it can be to find time and patience to learn with a ten-year-old who isn’t always willing or eager. Just telling him, “I really appreciate you making time to learn with our son; I know it isn’t easy,” can make things less stressful.
Still, in some cases, however much the father would like to learn with his son, he’s just not the right person. Perhaps their minds work in different ways and they just don’t appreciate their individual ways of understanding things. Perhaps their personalities are very different and it’s simply not the right chavrusa. And perhaps the father cares too much, and therefore gets too tense and ends up frustrated and bitter.
I remember a case of two fathers learning with their sons and it wasn’t working at all... until a wise and perceptive rosh yeshivah stepped in and switched each son with the other one’s father — and suddenly, it was a big success.
Encouragement and Motivation
You write that your son hates “thinking” — but does he actually hate “learning”? Perhaps he just needs a little normal encouragement, such as the Rambam mentions — making learning geschmak with the aid of some nosh or small gifts. There’s nothing at all wrong with that, and it’s normal for a child to respond well to the added motivation — it’s not a sign that he’s deficient in any way, chas ve’shalom.
What is also extremely important is making these extra-curricular learning sessions pleasurable.
Emotional Obstacles and Self-Image
Very often, the obstacle to success in learning is not intellectual but emotional. It could be that a child has internalized a self-image of being someone who “just can’t learn,” or it could be that he senses that his parents are disappointed with him, and he feels incapable of changing that, no matter how hard he tries.
I often tell people who tutor children that 90 percent of their success depends on making the child feel good about himself. So, your husband should tell your son, often, how much he enjoys learning with him, how much he looks forward to hearing his responses to the questions he poses, how impressed he is with his grasp and recall of the Gemara, and so forth. Be creative and enthusiastic. It can make an incredible difference.
Letting Each Child Grow at His Own Pace
All the above applies to every single child, but for a sensitive child, even more so. Pushing a sensitive child to do “more” very often backfires, so it’s simply not worth it to even try. Creating resistance to learning is the last thing you want to do in any child, so hold back if that’s a consideration, and let him grow up at his own pace.
The “umph” you’re trying to instill in your son may be something that will naturally develop over time — perhaps when he’s twelve, or fourteen, or even eighteen. Perhaps when he goes up a grade and has a rebbi who knows how to bring out the best in him, he’ll discover a passion for learning. In most cases, that passion isn’t something we can transmit, only model.
With heartfelt tefillah and the best efforts of you and your husband, your son will be’ezras Hashem succeed in learning and grow up to become a genuine talmid chacham and yarei Shamayim. There are also children, however, who won’t ever truly succeed in learning and don’t acquire a geschmak in learning. What about them?
With such children, pushing them beyond their abilities will certainly be counterproductive and even destructive. And even for children who do have the abilities, pressuring them to develop them when they just aren’t old enough can also lead to very undesirable results.
In such cases, what we need to do as wise and loving parents is ensure that each child can succeed in his own area and his own style of avodas Hashem. There are so many ways of serving Hashem — it could be chesed; it could be vatranus; it could be through art and creativity; it could be telling inspiring stories to younger children — it could be many things, all of them of genuine value.
Each child needs to grow up to shine wherever he can, and this is what will enable him to develop into a mensch, someone connected to Hashem and devoted to serving Him to the best of his ability.
