Question: There are things about my wife that bother me. For example: she always makes what she likes for dinner, not what I like; she wakes up first, turns on the light, and makes noise so I can’t sleep; I always gets up with the baby. These aren’t major things, but they’re aggravating. What should I do?
Answer: Two paths in our service of Ha-shem are: “Sur mei’ra” – turning away from negativity, and “Asei tov” – increasing goodness. While both are essential, Chassidus emphasizes that by increasing light, doing good, much of the darkness is naturally pushed away. A little light dispels a lot of darkness.
For example, learning the laws of lashon hara, understanding its detriments, and learning strategies to avoid it, will help a person refrain from lashon hara. But when someone deepens their understanding of ahavat Yisrael—love for one’s fellow Jew—they will not only be less likely to speak lashon hara, they also think less negatively about their fellow.
The first approach is analogous to “turning away from bad”; the second approach is analogous to “doing good”, increasing the light. Both have their place and relevance.
Marriage, too, benefits from both paths. Yes, it’s important to communicate and resolve points of tension—this is like turning away from the negative. But even more transformative is cultivating an environment of care, generosity, and emotional support. When the atmosphere is warm and positive, many frustrations lose their sharpness, become less noticeable—or disappear entirely.
Take a few examples you mentioned. Instead of feeling slighted or neglected when your wife cooks what she likes, try thinking: “I'm glad she’s enjoying what she made.” When you're the one getting up at night with the baby, consider: “She’s really has her hands full taking care of the kids and house—I’m happy to let her rest now.”
When the focus in a marriage is: My spouse and our marriage come first, many irritations naturally fade. The goodwill and affection that grow on both sides make the challenges lighter and more manageable. In this way, what began as a list of frustrations becomes the foundation for building a marriage filled with joy, understanding, and deep connection.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling: www.aharonschmidt.com.
*To receive periodic ideas on navigating marriage and personal growth, reach out to [email protected]
