Question:
My husband is intelligent, funny, and friendly. He is generally a really sweet guy, but he has a temper.
Before we got married, he was very patient and tolerant. He never got angry, even when I said things that were rather provoking.
We have now been married for five years. At first, the outbursts were mild and far apart. Even now, there are stretches where we get along quite well, until something provokes him and he explodes. Afterwards, he feels guilty and tries to make it up, is extra gentle and kind, and tries different things so he won't get angry again.
He has gone to a psychologist, who basically said there is nothing he can really do to help. His only advice was to keep a daily log of every and any incident of anger. My husband started a log, but after a long calm stretch where everything was under control, he started believing that he had conquered his problem, and he stopped writing.
I don't want to leave him, but I can't live with his angry outbursts.
Response:
What you describe can be quite distressing, but it is most certainly something that can be helped. Most important is that your husband recognizes that his outbursts cause pain and that he wants to be in control of them.
"Who is strong?" the Mishnah asks. And it answers, "He who conquers his passions, as it is written, 'He who is slow to anger is better than a strong man, and he who conquers his passions is better than one who conquers a city.'"
Discuss this with your husband; let him know that you see his reservoirs of strength.
I would strongly urge you to find someone who is expertly trained in teaching men anger management. It's not a one-time event. It is a process . . . And it is a successful process. It is something that's learned. Like any other skill, it takes time and exercise. Speak to anyone who's gone from being a couch potato to a marathon runner.
Encourage him. Tell him you're with him all the way. Let him know how much you respect his efforts and how admirable it is when a man is strong enough to control his impulses.
I have no doubt that he will be able to accomplish what he sets out to do. Be there for him during this time.
In addition to him learning how to control his outbursts, the two of you need to speak to someone about how you can be in control of your own reactions. His remorse means he's not out to hurt you. It's not about you. It’s about his control issues. But nonetheless, you suffer the fallout. Talk about this. Learn what you need to do to protect yourself - and him - from these incidents. Speak about how you can preserve your feelings of respect and love when he loses control.
RABBI YISSACHAR FRAND
BRONYA SHAFFER
