I failed my driver's test today. The instructor asked me "What do you do at a red light?" I said "I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook."
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.
I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 10 years in a row now...
Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.
Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid?
I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.
I'm looking to buy a new boomerang, how can I throw the old one out?
I named my dog "5 miles", so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.
I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account, so I just go around announcing out loud what I'm doing at random times... I've got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops.
Husbands are the best people to share secrets with... They'll never tell anyone, because they aren't even listening.
Time flies whether or not you're having fun.
I don't always procrastinate, but when I do, I'll do it tomorrow.
If you are bald, what hair color do they put on your driver's license?
"I’ve been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious."
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
