Question: My husband and I have been married for a year and a half. We get along well, but I’m increasingly frustrated. I assumed he would just know what I want—that he’d sense my needs without me having to say anything. But he doesn’t. I feel uncomfortable asking directly. Should I just accept this? I don’t want to be annoying or cause conflict.
Answer: A princess once married a simple farmer. Soon after, he noticed she seemed unhappy. Wanting to fix it, he brought home melons. She was still unhappy. So he tried new clothes, handmade gifts, a cleaner house — but nothing worked. Finally, he burst out, “I’ve tried everything! Why are you still unhappy?” She replied, “Every time you try, I feel worse—because it shows how little you know what a princess needs.”
This story illustrates a common gap in marriage: well-meaning efforts that miss the mark because they’re based on assumptions, not understanding. What brings joy to one spouse may not affect the other the same way. For example, halachah teaches on Yom Tov, a man finds joy in meat and wine, but a woman feels joy from jewelry or new clothes. Each person experiences happiness differently.
People come into marriage with different backgrounds, emotional needs, and expectations. A husband might think, “I’m doing everything right,” while his wife feels unseen—not because he doesn’t care, but because he’s viewing her through his own lens. This doesn’t mean you must stay silent or “accept things as they are.” Expressing needs in marriage isn’t nagging—it’s part of building a strong, respectful relationship.
Try this: in a gentle, non-critical tone, share one specific thing that would make you feel cared for—like, “It means a lot to me when you ask about my day.” Start small, and no more than one request every month or so. When he responds positively, show appreciation. For instance, “I really noticed that you remembered—it meant a lot.”
Over time, your husband will better understand how to meet your needs. And the more you feel heard, the more comfortable you’ll be expressing yourself.
Change is gradual, but with patience, clear communication, and mutual respect, deeper connection and understanding can blossom.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling: www.aharonschmidt.com. *To receive periodic ideas on navigating marriage and personal growth, reach out to [email protected]
