Our Avodah During Sefirah: True Respect for One Another
Respect Begins in the Mind
During the yemei haSefirah, we have before us the tremendous avodah of repairing what was, and since the Gemara (Yevamos 62b) tells us that there was a pegam among the talmidim of Rabbi Akiva in the area of according respect to one another, this is an area we must repair in these days of rectification. And, in order to ensure that we do give honor and respect to others, we must better understand the concept of לנהוג כבוד זה לזה.
There exists a misconception that giving respect to another person involves an action; whether withholding from doing something disrespectful, or actively going out of our way to honor them. But in truth, respect begins in the mind, in the way we think about others: When we think about people in a respectful way, then actions of honor towards them will naturally follow.
We see this often in the negative manifestation: People will address a child using childish language, not understanding that the child has recently matured beyond that. What we have is a mistaken impression of the child. And this scenario is translated in all types of situations—often uncomfortable ones—where disrespectful actions result from our (often mistaken) mindset, the picture we have created, about a person. Therefore, when we come to rectify the area of respecting others, we must address it at the mindset stage.
We Never Know the Full Story
One of the things we must know in order to be able to respect another person—even before getting to know them—is that we don’t know everything about any given person. For example, a person seeks to give mussar to another. He says—in a nice way—“I saw you do such-and-such....” He is told, “There is more to the story... you don’t know the full story.” How does he react? Some people will say, “Yes, but even so....” This is the definition of not respecting another person. Furthermore, we must be aware that we never know the full story, in any given situation.
We know the famous Chazal, אל תדין את חברך עד שתגיע למקומו, do not judge your friend until you have arrived at his place. We never know.... We don’t know what transpired with that person two hours ago! Therefore, even before we approach a person, we must internalize this fact—and it was must be evident from our tone and our entire approach that we know that we don’t know the full story. The עבודה of נהגו כבוד זה לזה means that we tread extremely carefully when approaching another person, because we know—in our minds—that we don’t know everything about them.
Sometimes we hear that a person is terribly offended by another person, and in his defense, he says, “But I had no idea...how was I supposed to know....” This is true; one isn’t expected to know everything, but he had to have known that he doesn’t know the complete story!
He Is Makpid to Be Mechazek His Son
A Yid related the following incident that illustrates this point.
He once entered a restaurant and noticed a certain very esteemed person sitting and eating there. He was taken aback, because he felt it was entirely inappropriate for that person to eat out in a restaurant. Based on having seen him there, he concluded all sorts of negative judgements about that Yid and his community. A short while later, he encountered a son-in-law of this chashuve Yid, and he gave him regards, saying, “I saw your shver in this establishment.” The son-in-law immediately said, “Yes, that establishment is owned by brother-in-law, and my shver is makpid to regularly patronize his son’s business!” With this piece of information, the entire story changed drastically.
And it doesn’t always have to be an intriguing story.... We must respect the fact that we don’t know all aspects of a person’s life and experiences.
Assume That You Don’t Know
The inverse—שלא נהגו כבוד—is the presumption of knowing it all. Just as derech eretz and kavod mean that we are to leave room at the table for others to sit down, so too, we must leave space for people and their experiences, for their side of the story—even those we don’t know about. The assumption must be that we don’t know. We shouldn’t approach them with our piece of mussar and then ask whether they have something to say in their defense. Our mindset must be that we most definitely don’t know all sides of the story; at best we know half of it.... Changing our mindset in this regard will prevent so much heartache and hurt feelings, and bring about so much more peace and mutual respect in Klal Yisrael.
Beyond Basics
As we advance in our avodas Hashem, we must mature in the way we view mitzvos. We must go beyond the basic understanding of הוי דן את כל האדם לכף זכות; realizing that the incident could have been different from the way it appeared to us. There is an אור to the mitzvah d’Oraisa of בצדק תשפוט עמיתך, judging another favorably. When we internalize the fact that we don’t know everything about another person, and we adapt an approach of true kavod for the other person, we tap into the light of this mitzvah, and we become elevated and transformed through it—living in an illuminated world. HaKadosh Baruch Hu tells us so—through the mitzvos of the Torah: It is so much better and healthier for us to live in a world where we accord true respect towards others.
Transforming our attitudes in this area is the greatest preparation for קבלת התורה.
