Humor

Humor

THE MEMORIAL PLAQUE

A young boy was standing in the synagogue looking up at a plaque that had a lot of names inscribed with flags emblazoned into the design. The Rabbi came over and explained that these are the names of men and women who had died in the service. "Which service," asked the boy, suddenly quite concerned, "Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur?"

THE GYM COMPLAINT

"I signed up for a gym six months ago but didn't lose any weight. I'm going to go in there tomorrow in person to find out what's wrong.”

Yom Kippur had just finished, the fast was broken, and the Rebbetzin (Rabbi's wife) dropped into an easy chair saying, "Oy! Am I ever tired!"

The Rabbi looked over at her and said, "During these High Holy Days, I had to conduct 5 special services, go without food or drink, and give a total of five sermons. Why are YOU so tired?"

"My dearest," she replied, "I too had to fast and sit through all that. But in addition, every minute I had to sit in the front row, beam with pride and pretend to be impressed!"

In a Conservative shul there once was a Congregation President who was a nice businessman but Jewishly, well, he was "ritually-challenged." On Rosh Hashanah the Rabbi offered him an aliyah. The President said, "As you know, I'm not very observant, and I wouldn't want to take the honor from someone else."

The Rabbi responded, "You're the President, everyone wants to see you honored."

Panic-stricken, the President said "No no, no, I can't read the Hebrew blessings, I'll embarrass myself."

The Rabbi said: "As President, you HAVE to take at least this honor!"

The President thought and then he said, "Isn't there anything where I don't have to talk?"

The Rabbi thought for a minute and suggested "How about Gelilah?"

"What's Gelilah?" said the President?

"Simple," replied the Rabbi, "you just come up after the Torah is lifted, and when the cover is put on, you put on the breastplate and the crown and then sit down. You can't possibly go wrong."

Relieved, the President accepted the honor.

And so, right after hagbah, the President came up, put on the breastplate and the crown, and went back to his seat.

The Rabbi came running over and said: "NOT ON YOU, put the breastplate and the crown on the TORAH, on the TORAH!!"