That’s it. It’s obvious. The reason he didn’t come to my simchah is that he hates me. Now I also understand why he didn’t respond to my greeting. But all that is nothing compared to the real problem, the fact that he must be the one who spoke to the menahel of the cheder about me, and that’s why they didn’t accept my son into the cheder.
That’s how a person thinks, and his life is bitter. It’s not enough that he has to deal with finding a place for his son to learn; he’s also carrying feelings of guilt and anger that threaten to destroy everything good.
We’re not dealing with the question of whether the other person is really an enemy. Can a person know what is in his friend’s heart? Perhaps he didn’t respond to his greeting because he was preoccupied with something, or because he doesn’t speak before davening. Perhaps he didn’t speak to the menahel at all? Or perhaps the menahel asked him pointedly about something specific, and he answered in a way that could be understood either positively or negatively. It doesn’t matter. Sometimes, sadly, we meet up with people who truly want to cause us harm, and Rabbenu Bachyai instructs us regarding how to behave under such circumstances as well, how to cope with “enemies who hate him and seek his misfortune.”
Firstly, what not to do: Do not retaliate as they have done to you. Don’t take revenge.
We have already received this instruction in the Torah, in Parshas Kedoshim. “Do not take revenge and do not bear a grudge.” This is a mitzvah that applies between man and his fellow, but one cannot do it without emunah.
The need for revenge is a very strong human emotion. Someone who was hurt feels a great need to take revenge. He feels that revenge will bring serenity to his soul. Revenge itself is not a completely negative thing. Regarding the nations of the world, we anticipate that Hashem will “take revenge on the nations.” There are circumstances in which revenge is demanded, but between man and his fellow, the Torah commands us not to take revenge, and not even to bear a grudge or to feel hatred in our heart because of the harm the other person caused us.
What is the logic in this? How can we do this mitzvah? What about a person who has the strength and the ability to act on his desire for revenge? Why should he stop himself?
The Sefer Hachinuch states: The root of this mitzvah is that a person should know and instill in his heart that everything that happens to him, whether good or bad, is a circumstance that came upon him from Hashem yisbarach. Nothing can happen without Hashem’s desiring it to happen. Therefore, when someone caused him pain, he should know in his heart that his sins caused it, and Hashem yisbarach decreed this upon him.
This is what will hold back revenge: The simple understanding that it was not really my friend or neighbor or doctor or the lawyer who did this to me. That person is only a messenger. This came upon me from Hakadosh Baruch Hu, and if I have complaints about anyone, it’s only about myself, because the pain and the difficulty are coming to me because of my sins, in order to atone for them.
This is how Dovid Hamelech reacted when he was running away from his son Avshalom. He was a fugitive, lowly, despised, and abandoned, and with few people loyal to him, when Shimi ben Geira cursed him. Dovid’s relative wanted to kill Shimi as a mored b’malchus, but Dovid Hamelech said, “Let him curse; Hashem told him to curse.” Dovid immediately knew the right address, and because of his reaction, he was zocheh to be the one who would hold up the “fourth leg to the Merkavah” of Hashem’s Divine Presence.
The Gemara relates that Rav Huna became sick and very weak, to the point that it seemed he was going to die. Rav Papa told his family to prepare for a levayah, but a few days later Rav Huna got stronger and recovered. Rav Papa was embarrassed, but Rav Huna told him that indeed, he had already been on his way “up” (possibly what is nowadays called clinical death), and he heard how people were being judged in the Beis Din on High, and every time a merit was found, a cry was heard: “I have found an atonement!”
When he reached the Upper Spheres, they started to deliberate regarding whether to allow him to live. Hakadosh Baruch Hu Himself said: Because he is not exacting in judging those who cause him pain, therefore, here as well, we will not be exacting in judging him. Let him be, for he is able to forgo things that people do to him.
Indeed, Rav Huna lived for several years thereafter.
There are many such stories in the Gemara. There are testimonials throughout the generations, and nowadays as well, of the great segulah of forgoing, being ma’avir al midosav.
Did someone do something to you? Hurt you? It hurts, but if you remember that everything is from Hashem, for your own eternal good, then you’ll succeed in forgiving, and you’ll acquire your own Olam Haba.
