In any relationship, focusing on the other person’s weak points tends to bring out the worst, not the best. But there are all kinds of ways to justify focusing on problems. Often, people think along the lines of, “If only she knew how wrong she was on that issue, she would change her mind,” or “If only he realized how impossible it is to deal with him when he gets so tense, he would work on easing up a bit.”
People can be prepared to deal with all kinds of difficulties, if only the person “making the difficulty” acknowledges how troublesome they are. I have encountered situations where someone could tolerate a spouse with an emotional issue, as long as they have acknowledged their difficulty and are getting help for it, even before it was resolved. It’s when the “difficult” spouse refuses to admit that they are the source of all the problems that the identical issues suddenly become totally unbearable.
After all, it can be quite a comfortable feeling to be the healthy, coping spouse in comparison with the struggling, difficult spouse who has to be bravely endured. Inevitably, the “healthier” of the couple will end up seeing all the problems in their spouse and none of the problems in himself, even if that wasn’t his conscious intention. While it may feel easier for him to bear, in the long-run, this perception isn’t going to be productive for anyone.
