This week’s parshah includes the mitzvah of kibbud av va’eim: Ish aviv ve’imo tira’u—A man shall revere his father and his mother. The Ksav Sofer, highlighting the Torah’s use of the word ish—a man to describe the child in this parent-child relationship, notes that the mitzvah of respecting one’s parents applies not only when a person is young and in need of his parents to provide his physical needs, but also when he is grown-up and no longer needs their help.
When discussing this mitzvah, the Sefer Hachinuch stresses how it is based largely on gratitude for everything one’s parents have done for him and that the obligation of gratitude is never fully repaid. All the same, it’s not uncommon for children to feel that they have “outgrown” their parents and no longer need not only their cooked meals but also their advice. The Ksav Sofer warns us that this is a mistake, as a person must look up to and respect his parents no matter how mature he (thinks he) is.
This teaches us a basic element of respect we should apply in all relationships, no matter how much or little we “need” the other person. We should always seek out the good points in others and find something to admire and respect. But certainly when it comes to our parents, we are obligated to do so.
Unfortunately, some parents seem to actually invite their children to see them in a less than complimentary light. An example of this is when parents share their difficulties in shalom bayis with their children. Sometimes, they are hoping that the children will take their side; at other times, they just want a listening ear. This is almost never a smart move, though, as one’s children are far too emotionally involved to be able to provide help, no matter how wise and loving they may be.
Children who find themselves in such a situation should do their best to find a creative way to step aside. And grown-up children in all situations must remember that no matter how many children of their own they have, no matter how many shiurim on chinuch habanim they have heard, it is still not their place to step into their parents’ home and “offer helpful advice” on how to do things “better.”
