It is worthwhile to list some of the areas in which these pitfalls are common, so we may be more mindful and hope to avoid hurting others, even inadvertently, in the future.
We Are Expected to Be Mindful
There are instances in which a person hurts another by being insensitive in bringing up a topic; they simply didn’t think in advance that bringing up this topic will cause another person pain (for example, discussing children in the presence of a person who hasn’t yet merited to have children). While we don’t expect people to refrain from discussing anything but the weather; HaKadosh Baruch Hu expects us to be mindful in our discussions so we don’t inadvertently cause pain to others.
There are times when a person truly didn’t know about another person’s tzarah, and he had no way of knowing that his words would cause pain. It is in this instance that we apply the principle of והתקדשתם והייתם קדושים—doing our part in an area of self-improvement—and Hashem will aid us so that we won’t fall in that area. But we must do our part in being more careful and mindful.
One way to avoid this kind of pitfall is, as the tzaddikim have taught us, to avoid hispa'arus, gloating and showing off. Aside from the many negative aspects of bragging, it can easily lead to hurting another person by highlighting what they lack, thus making them feel sad or inadequate.
Don’t Assume That It Doesn’t Hurt
A second pitfall that the yetzer hara places in our way is when we tell ourselves that this person isn’t insulted by hurtful words. “I know him. He can handle it.... He always plays along when I bring it up! He’s a good sport....” This is simply untrue. Yes, there are people who are stronger and able to put on a brave front. But words are hurtful to them all the same—and it doesn’t help to “ask permission” first; for example, by saying, “You don’t mind that I tell you this, right?”
