you can give more incentives, more consequences. It’s easier to be firm and stay in control. Older children can do more things on their own. You have to deal with your child appropriately at different stages.
There’s no quick-fix for dealing with the fragile child. These children are challenging. But when you deal with them properly, you should start to see a gradual difference pretty quickly.
It’s hard. You may need to keep reviewing these principles and keep encouraging yourself. It’s also very important that parents not blame themselves for not handling the child correctly. We’re only here to try. We may not always have what it takes to stay a step ahead of the sensitive child. We may not be capable of preventing every single mistake. Again, we’re only here to try our best. But it’s worth trying.
We all want our children to be perfect. Still, as much as we should be focusing on the goals at all times to ensure we’re doing what we should be, chinuch is not about results — it’s about trying to do what’s right. We have to keep the end result in mind when we are mechanech so that we deal with situations properly, but we’re not responsible for the way things turn out.
When you remember that you’re not responsible for the results, it can make it easier to do the right thing. It’s not about controlling their anger or making them picture-perfect. It’s about trying to do what we’re supposed to.
These children also remind us that we aren’t perfect. That we don’t get all the credit for everything that does go right. It’s normal for people to struggle.
I appreciate it so much when parents who consulted me later tell me that once they understood their child’s sensitivity, this child stopped being their unpredictable child and instead became the most predictable one. Less sensitive children can turn out to be less predictable, because although their spectrum of reactions may be smaller, it’s still hard to predict how exactly they will react to the unexpected.
I can’t predict the future of any sensitive child, but I can say this much: If a sensitive child grows up being challenged, blamed, and put down, he’ll end up feeling bad about himself and will grow up a lot worse than the child who is dealt with sensitively. Sensitivity and fragility are part of a person’s nature. But if a fragile child grows up feeling good about himself, with those around him being sensitive to him, he’ll grow up healthier and more resilient, with much more tolerance for adversity.
It’s the fragile children who have the most potential, but we need to let their light shine by washing their diamond-personalities and hopefully it’ll pay off very quickly iyH, when they give us nachas along with all our other children.
Rabbi Shimon Gruen
To contact Rabbi Gruen please call 718.841.6557 or e-mail [email protected]
To subscribe to receive the weekly essay, please email [email protected]
Please feel free to send any questions, on this topic or any topic to [email protected]
