1 - A Jewish parent in Florida calls his son in New York. The father says, “I hate to tell you, but your mother and I are divorcing. That’s it!! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace.” The father hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister and tells her the news. The sister says, “I’ll handle this.” She calls Florida and pleads with her father, “Don’t do ANYTHING until we get there! We will be there Friday.” The father says, “All right, all right already.” When the father hangs up the phone he hollers to his wife, “Okay, they’re coming for the High Holidays!’’
2 - If there is one piece of attire that gets a great deal of use at this time of year, it surely is the tallit. It is told that when Rosh Hashanah was over, Abie wanted to have his tallit cleaned in time for Yom Kippur. After asking for recommendations, he decided to take it to Moishe the bargain dry cleaner who will do it for only $4.00. So Abie goes over to Moishe’s and finds that the ownership has changed. He asks the new owner, Mr. Jones, if he’ll match the old prices. Mr. Jones assures him that he will. Three days later, Abie goes to get his tallit and is given a bill for $24.00. “I thought you’d meet Moishe’s prices?”
“I did,” said Mr Jones, “$4.00 for the tallit, and $20.00 to get all the knots out of the fringes!”
3 - A Jew and a non-jew are traveling on a train together when suddenly the goy asks "Why are you Jews so smart?" The Jew is quiet for a moment and then says "its because of all the herring we eat." A few hours later the Jew takes out some herring and starts to eat it. The goy asks "how much herring do you have?" and the jew answers "a dozen pieces". "And how much do you want for a piece?" "20 kopecks" (a lot of money). The man hands the money over and the jew gives him a piece of herring. "He takes a bite and says suddenly "I could have bought this same herring in Moscow for a few kopecks". To this the jew responds "see... your getting smarter already."
4 - Army of Hashem*
Jack was coming out of shul one day, and the rabbi was standing at the door as he always did to shake hands. The rabbi grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The rabbi said to him, "You need to join the Army of HaShem!" Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of HaShem, Rabbi." The rabbi questioned, "How come I almost never see you except at RoshHashanah and Yom Kippur?!" Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
