And so, there were many tzaddikim who began their journey in darkness, but they did not give up until their hearts opened like a banquet hall. There were tzaddikim who related their difficult beginnings publicly to encourage them to not give up, since they knew that this is the way of Torah.
Among these tzaddikim who told the public about their difficult early situation was the Kamarna Rav, who wrote that he tasted death a thousand times until Hashem refined him and showed him the light. Similarly, Rebbe Nachman of Breslev testified that he also rose from days of shame, and also testified about the need to encourage the young by telling them had he known when he was young of his accomplishments when he was older the work would have been much easier.
I heard this from Rebbe Nuta Freund, who said in the name of tzaddikim to explain Rashi (Shemos 27:20) 'כתית למאור ולא כתית למנחות' – crushed for illumination, but not for the menachos’, if the person feels ‘crushed’ because he does not see blessing from his hard work, he should be encouraged and understand that out of this darkness he will merit ‘illumination’, the light of Torah. ‘But not for menochos’, meaning that this crushing should not be a reason to give up and stop the avodah. He should not think that he is a person not readied for the light of Torah.
Shlomo HaMelech said (Koheles 2:9), 'אף חכמתי עמדה לי' – ‘still, my wisdom stayed with me’, and Chazal explain (Yalkut Shimoni Remez 968), ‘Rebbe Chanina bar Pappa said, “The Torah I learned even kept me”, meaning that the Torah I learned when it was hard for me, ultimately brought me to benefit from the light.’
I once heard from Rebbe Mendel Attik that when he was young, he would help a boy who was weak in learning in yeshiva and he would tutor him. R’ Mendel saw that this boy was very weak, and it seemed that he would never see bracha from his hard work, even though his parents paid R’ Mendel to learn with him. At some point he told the parents not to waste their money, and he let them know that he did not want to learn with the boy anymore. However, the boy’s father insisted that he not leave his son, until he convinced R’ Mendel to keep learning with him. In the end, R’ Mendel’s learning made an impression and the boy understood a small Tosfos, and this uplifted the boy. This was the first time he experienced the sweetness of Torah, he became attached to the Torah, and slowly, he broadened his knowledge of Torah, and today he is one of greatest Rebbes in Israel.
Once the person attains Torah, he must remember the end of the Gemara, another explanation: If you will listen to the old, you will listen to the new. ‘But if your heart turns away, you will not listen later.’ Chazal reveal to us that even if one is readied, he will not merit keeping his Torah unless he reviews. If he only craves the new, this is the yetzer hara advising him not to review. Chazal said (Eruvin 54b), ‘May her breasts satisfy you at all times. Why are the words of the Torah compared to a breast? Every time a baby handles it, he finds milk in it, the same is true of words of Torah, every time a person studies them, he finds flavor in them.’
With this Chazal reveal the secret of review. When a person learns a new law, sometimes it is not explained well so he forgets it. ‘Lack of clarity’ and ‘forgetfulness’ are good reasons to slack off in Torah. If one does not see results, he slacks off. But if he reviews, eventually he will see clarity, which encourages him to continue learning when he sees he is not losing what he acquired, and all will become clear.
אם שמוע – תשמע
If you listen
וְהָיָה אִם שָמוֹע תִ שְ מ ע בְקוֹל ה' אֱלֹק יךָ לִשְ מֹר ל עֲשׂוֹת א ת כָל מִצְוֹתָיו אֲש ר אָנֹכִי מְצ וְךָ ה יּוֹם ונְתָנְךָ ה' אֱלֹק יךָ ע לְיוֹן ע ל כָל גּוֹיֵי הָאָר ץ( :כח ,א )
It will be if you listen to the voice of Hashem, your G-d, to keep, to perform all of His commandments that I command you this day, then Hashem, your G-d, will make you supreme over all the nations of the earth. (28:1)
The Gemara (Berachos 40a) teaches regarding this posuk: ‘R’ Zeira, and some say R’ Chinana bar Pappa, said, “Come and see how unlike the characteristic of HaKadosh Baruch Hu is the characteristic of flesh and blood humans. The characteristic of a flesh and blood human is such that an empty vessel can hold what is poured into it, whereas a full vessel cannot hold anything more. However, concerning HaKadosh Baruch Hu it is not like that. A full vessel (a person filled with Torah knowledge) can hold even more spiritual matters, whereas an empty vessel (one devoid of Torah) cannot hold spiritual things. As it is stated, ‘And He said: If you will listen to the voice of Hashem’. If you will listen at first, you will be destined to listen another time. But if you do not listen at first, you will not listen later either. Another explanation: If you will listen to the old (review what you have already learned), you will listen to the new. ‘But if your heart turns away (you do not review what you have learned), you will not listen later.”’
This teaching is the approach for those who want to merit ‘Torah’. At first, there are things that to their heads they are hard as iron, and they do not merit to see the pleasantness of Hashem and taste the nectar of our holy Torah. They wonder to themselves, why can’t they understand the words of the Torah? Who is like them who know that the truth of the matter is that they are smart, and when it comes to other topics in the world, they understand everything completely. But when they come to be involved in the words of Torah, their minds close shut. This causes them great distress, and sometimes despair settles in their hearts.
However, if we think about the words of these chachamim, we will find the answer to their dilemma. We see from their words that ‘Torah knowledge’ is a spiritual attainment that is not like the other areas of knowledge, for all other areas of knowledge might also have an aspect of spirituality, the main thrust is mundane. Therefore, the first concepts absorbed by the brain have greater clarity, as for example, the young can grasp mundane concepts quicker than older people (especially with modern technology). However, words of Torah are not like this, we see in them ‘an empty vessel can hold more’ – a mind that has not absorbed words of Torah does not yet have the kedusha that prepares him to attain Torah. On the other hand, ‘a full vessel can hold more’ – the more one broadens his knowledge of Torah, the more he is prepared to attain more Torah.
In light of what was said, one cannot help but say, ‘all beginnings are difficult’, it is not possible to attain Torah in a natural way if the person does not work hard at it. This is how you purify your essence, like a jeweler refining a precious metal. After hard work refines the mind, the mind becomes ‘a vessel of Torah’, since the Torah caused the refinement. Then he is categorized as ‘full’ and can now contain the Torah. (Do not wonder about those who seem to attain Torah without working hard at it, for sometimes a person merits from a previous incarnation which makes him ready for Torah without hard work to prepare himself, based on Chazal).
