QUESTION: We are making a birthday party for my mother, who Bli Ayin Harah is in her mid-nineties. We want to invite all of her children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and all of their spouses. However, my mother is from the old country and does not like us to spend money on her. She is comfortable with us paying for the party food, but we know that she will likely get agitated if she knows that we also spent money on a hall which we will need to fit all of the guests. Can we lie about the hall and say that we rented it for free to avoid agitating her?
ANSWER: We know from several sources that one may lie to avoid causing someone embarrassment (see Sanhedrin 11a). It would appear to be a logical extension to say that one is permitted to lie to avoid causing someone anguish or agitation as the whole reason why it is permitted to lie to avoid embarrassment, is to save one from the anguish that embarrassment brings. However, it is still worthwhile to seek a Halachic authority who does indeed make this extension. The author of the Pischei Choshen (Hilchos Onaah p. 642 footnote 4) is such a source ruling that one may lie to save someone from anguish. As such, you would be allowed to lie to your mother to save her from the anguish of knowing that you spent too much money on her (in her opinion).
There is one caveat, however. If possible, you should endeavor not to cause your mother pain without resorting to a lie or at least endeavor to minimize a lie. Perhaps you can negotiate with the caterer to pay him a higher price for the party food than you otherwise would and have him throw in the rental hall for free. That way, when you tell your mother that the rental hall was free, it is the truth to some extent, and you have minimized the lie.
