Letter #1 - Question
Dear Rabbi Gruen,
Thank you so much for your insightful shiurim and newsletters. I gain so much from them and I think my relationships are improving. I especially like how you always focus on “what can I do?” as opposed to who is right/wrong.
I hope you can advise me on a certain issue in my own life, related to your shiur on the wife not being the stronger spouse, as I am trying to change my behavior. It’s often very hard, because I find it so hard to trust my husband in areas where he doesn’t really have the necessary knowledge.
For example, I read the sign in the mechanic shop about the importance of regular oil change for a car’s upkeep; my husband didn’t read it (he doesn’t usually read anything other than sefarim). Another example: My husband took over managing the finances, but he always thinks there’s enough money for everything even though he doesn’t look at the bank statement and doesn’t know what expenses there are. I know he means to be generous when he tells me to just buy whatever we need.
An example that bothers me a lot: I am a very cautious driver; my husband isn’t at all, and sometimes he’ll drive way too fast on local streets, at a speed I feel is reckless and dangerous. We were recently driving our large van without passengers in windy weather and he mentioned that it was swaying so I suggested that maybe, when it’s windy, we should drive slower. He slowed a drop but then picked up speed. After a while I begged him to slow down, but then I felt bad for not being respectful and trusting so I tried to remain silent for the rest of the drive. This was supposed to be a pleasant outing for us, just the two of us, but the whole time I was just tense and waiting for it to be over. And then, later that evening, I tried to apologize and he responded that it was fine because he hadn’t taken any notice of me in any case...
How can I be respectful and trusting if I feel he’s driving recklessly? Sometimes, he’ll even drive the wrong way down a one-way street.
Another issue is when it comes to chinuch questions. He doesn’t like to learn from anything other than sefarim, so when I have practical questions, he doesn’t usually have answers (and in any case, he’s not often home to ask when things come up). So I’m left wondering if I should just make all the decisions myself, but I hate feeling that the entire responsibility is on me, and it doesn’t seem right that he’s not involved and setting the right tone.
I’d be very grateful for any advice, thank you!
Letter #2 - Feedback
Dear Rabbi Gruen,
Following on your discussion of how men and women are two distinct parts of a unified whole, carrying separate responsibilities to achieve the ultimate goal — you especially emphasized the woman standing behind the man in his work, and how she earns her reward by helping him actualize his achievements. That’s all beautiful, Torah-true, reassuring, and refreshing to hear in the current climate.
I’m just confused as it seems to conflict with another theme you often return to: “mine, yours, and ours.” You make it clear that what one spouse does in an area that doesn’t directly affect the other spouse is “his” and that the other spouse shouldn’t intervene there, neither in small, mundane issues nor in larger, life-defining ones.
I see a glaring inconsistency here. As a woman, I deem it my primary responsibility to do my husband’s will. I see myself as the quiet power behind him that enables him to achieve what he sets out to do. How can you say that what he does is not my business? If we’re working towards a common goal, with me empowering him from home so he can go out and achieve what is really our shared responsibility, why does he and he alone set the goal’s parameters?
I think this sums my question up: I once heard from an Aish rabbi that, “Every woman wants more than anything to follow her husband; she just wants him to lead her in a path she trusts.” If that sounds like an attempt at control — well, it might be.
Thank you so much,
Not a Feminist
Letter #3 - Feedback
Dear Rabbi Gruen,
The English shiur this past week is a real wow! Great job! You put the wife down, and made her comfortable in her seat. Job well done. I get it that the woman’s role is to be at her husband’s side so he can reach his ultimate tachlis. Additionally, she manages the home. Sounds nice, in theory. But how does it play out in real life?
Real scenario: For over a decade, we spend every Yom Tov with my in-laws. This was my husband’s decision and he expects me to just go along with it. I have tried (using my minimal rights) to talk to him and explain how hard it is for me; I’ve tried the “tough way” too, but nothing helped, so I just try to be happy about it.
My husband isn’t happy about it — he just takes it for granted that a wife does what her husband wants. But is that what Hashem intends? How will a husband ever listen to his wife’s voice if she must always speak softly and respectfully, but he has the final word? Why did Hashem make us women with our own minds and feelings if we can’t express or use them?
Aside from that, we are expected to be happy staying home all day just cooking, baking, cleaning, taking care of the children... We’re tied down 24/7 to the home, and there’s no brachah in our work which is never done. I know it’s holy work, like the kohen in the Beis Hamikdash. But honestly: Would you trade places with us, even for a day?
It’s the man’s feeling superior that makes the woman feel secondary. Why are there so many jokes about women? It seems like husbands with good middos are few and far between.
