Question: Regarding the question in edition #1,011 (Vaetchanan) about the wife who wants to sleep in on Shabbat morning while the husband needs to take the little kids to shul: I don’t agree with your answer. You suggested the husband should create a children’s program at shul, empathize with his wife’s need to rest on Shabbat morning and be patient - things will change with time. I am a mother of little children and I was taught, as were other mothers I know, that a wife should support her husband’s obligation to daven with a minyan, and not be distracted by little kids at shul. She can sleep in the afternoon. I think you could have suggested a different approach, with the end goal being that she should care for the kids Shabbat morning.
Answer: You have a valid point, and others have mentioned it since the edition was published. Below are some additional reasons behind the approach that was taken.
In reviewing the question, the husband wrote: “I offered to watch the kids in the afternoon so she could nap, but she insists on her morning sleep.” Apparently, he tried to work out a solution, but she did not budge from her position. He also wrote: “my wife likes to sleep and expects me to bring our kids to shul.”
At this stage of life, the wife has both a need (morning sleep) and an expectation (her husband will take the kids to shul so she can sleep). Different women experience the physical effects of childbirth and motherhood in different ways. For some it is more exhausting, for others less so.
If the husband takes the approach of, “my end goal is that my wife should watch the kids on Shabbat morning,” he risks: 1. a resentful wife; 2. a tired, overwhelmed and irregulated wife; 3. less support for things he wants; 4. less harmony in the home. If, instead, his end goal is to support his wife’s needs, he will likely gain: 1. appreciation from his wife; 2. a rested and emotionally balanced wife; 3. a supportive wife; 4. a more harmonious home; 5. a healthier environment for the children. In addition, the children will benefit from the kid’s program at shul.
At times a man can focus more on davening, and at times less. Given the current dynamic, it seems more beneficial to support his wife and allow her the morning rest she needs.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling: www.aharonschmidt.com.
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