Question:
My 3-year-old is hitting other children when she has a tantrum. And my (almost) two-year-old son is starting to hit other children when he is angry. It’s so frustrating when I see my kids fight! What should I do?
Answer:
Are the parents fighting? If the parents fight with each other, or with others, then the kids will pick it up. Do the parents show favoritism, showing one kid more love than the other? That can cause lots of fights and jealousy. Now, are the parents confident people? Do they respect themselves? Are they too strict? Is there a lot of yelling going on? Are they nervous people? Is there a lot of tension?
If everything is normal, then it says: מַ עֲ נֶה ר ַ ךְ יָשִׁ יב חֵ מָ ה משלי טו א speaking softly will do the trick, and keep at it. Call the kid aside, and tell the kid: “I know that you don’t mean it”. If the parents continuously speak in a calm manner to the child, then the child will pick up at it. When the parent screams “STOP FIGHTING” then the kids see that mode of screaming and yelling, and it won’t help. But if the parents say it to them in a calm way, then the kids will pick that up. They may need a lot of love, so if the parents speak in a warm loving way to the child, this will do a lot for them and they will feel loved. Children gain a lot from controlled parents. Controlled parents means that the parents don’t go haywire, worried, and crazy when the kids fight. The Maharsha (Shabbos) says on the Gemara about that people are filled with ארָ יג תִׁ , people are filled with internal fighting within themselves. If they aren’t strong, and get worried and offset by many things, then the kids will pick that up. It says about Chizkiyahu HaMelech that he was מֵ י מ נוּחוֹת, he ruled his kingdom with calmness; in general, Malchei Yehuda were known for that. That’s why the 10 Shevotim got lost, because we (Yehuda) were known for Sameach B’chelko and Menucha and they weren’t. Some people enjoy action (Boom, Boom!!) and everything becomes a big deal. Every time kids fight, it turns into a whole blown-up situation. Parents should speak with warmth & love, like: “It’s not befitting for you to fight like that”. This way, the parents are showing that they are above all of it. Also, try to detect who is the main one that is starting the fights; sometimes they have excess energy that needs to be channeled in the right direction. Give them exciting toys, and then they won’t be excited by fights. Maybe they are bored (like the Goyim who are fighting all day because they are bored and it makes them feel important). Get them constructive type of stuff. Give them jobs in the house. When a child helps in the house, it softens them up; they aren’t so tough when they are Mach’nia to the parents; they take orders. Daven too!!
Sometimes it’s not anything; laugh it off, and that itself will change the Matzav. You know, people who fight usually are serious people, and that’s why they are fighting. What are they so serious about? That’s their problem, they don’t take life easily. So if you laugh it off, it will go away.
You can submit your questions to Rabbi Mandel by emailing them to [email protected]
