A Counsel to Overcome Anger
A primary counsel to overcoming anger is to push off becoming angry until later. Some rabbanim say that it is important for the Rebbe/teacher to be in the classroom before the children arrive. There was a devoted Rebbe who followed this counsel. When the children would arrive, he was already at his place in the classroom, ready to greet his students.
He also was cautious to push off anger for later rather than to respond immediately. One day, the Rebbe came late to his classroom. All the children scurried quickly to their places, but there was one child who smiled brightly and pointed to his watch. The rebbe thought, "This is terribly chutzpadik. The child is hinting that I should have come earlier!"
He was tempted to give the child severe rebuke and punishment, but on second thought, he decided to keep his good custom and push off his anger for a later time. During class, this child repeatedly looked at his watch with a smile on his face. "I don't believe it!" the melamed seethed. "The child is at it again! He is taunting me that I came late!"
Nevertheless, the Rebbe continued teaching. "I'll deal with this child later," he told himself. "It isn't good to respond immediately." As soon as the bell rang, the child ran over to the Rebbe and exclaimed, "Rebbe! Look! My father bought me a new watch!"
How fortunate was the Rebbe that he didn't make an issue about the child's behavior immediately. By waiting, the reality of what occurred was clarified. And it is like this so often. When you take time before responding, you discover vital information that turns the entire picture around. Often, you realize there was no reason to be angry.
A week after sheva brachos, a father-in-law asked his son-in-law to lend him fifty shekels. The son-in-law lent him the money and then whispered to his wife, "We'll see whether this will ever come back." He spoke silently, but the father-in-law heard it and was deeply insulted. "Why does he suspect that I won't pay him back? Does he think I'm a thief?"
The father-in-law's greatest worry was his daughter's welfare. He feared that his son-in-law's lack of trust indicated that he didn't see the world in a healthy way. For the next few weeks, the father-in-law could hardly sleep at night; he was so worried about his daughter. He had thought his daughter married a good, well-mannered man, but now he suspected that he was emotionally challenged. But the father-in-law didn’t say anything; he did not express the anger in his heart.
A couple of weeks later, the father-in-law couldn’t contain himself any longer, so he asked his daughter straight-out, "Why did your husband say, 'We'll see whether the money will come back?' Did he suspect I wouldn’t pay him?"
The daughter laughed and said, "My husband has a game. He writes his name on his bills. Money goes around. He wants to see whether this bill will ever come back to him again."
By controlling his anger and allowing time to pass, the father-in-law found out what truly happened. He discovered there was no reason to be angry.
The Sefer Chasidim writes, "A story happened with a man who honored his father immensely. Before he passed away, the father said, 'You honored me in my lifetime, honor me after my death, as well. I request that you control yourself from speaking when you are angry. When you become angry, don’t do anything until you first sleep a night.'
"After his father's passing, the son traveled overseas. He didn’t know that his wife was pregnant when he left home. He was away for many years.
"When he finally returned to his hometown, he went to his house. [From behind the door] he heard the voice of a man.... He pulled out his sword to kill them both but remembered his father's will, so he returned the sword to its sheath. He then heard his wife say, 'It is many years since your father left me. If he knew he had a son, he would return home to marry you off.'
"When her husband heard this, he said, 'Open the door, my wife and friend' (Shir HaShirim 5:2). Baruch Hashem that He stopped my anger, and blessings to my father who taught me to control my anger because otherwise, I would have killed you both.' "They were extremely happy and celebrated with the entire community."
