Question: I have recently heard unsettling news about friends of mine – after 35 years of marriage and five children – two of them married and with children of their own, they have separated. Apparently the husband moved out at his wife’s request and has acceded to her demand for a divorce. My question to you is – how could this be? I tried to speak to the wife about it since we have been good friends for a long time. All she would say is, “I’ve had it with him,” and, “it’s finished.” I know they did not have a perfect marriage, but who does? Please give me insights and advice whether to try to encourage the wife to change her mind. I’m also confused about what kinds of problems could have been so serious to warrant divorcing.
Answer: In the text HaYom Yom (entry for the 3rd of Elul), it is explained that one who believes in hashgacha pratit (Divine Providence) knows that “man’s steps are formed from Hashem” (Tehillim 37:23). A person goes to a particular place because his soul must refine and perfect something in that location.
Each soul has specific areas of the world, specific circumstances, that are waiting just for them; G-dly sparks embedded in the physical world that only their soul can reveal. Hashem guides a person to a certain place in order to accomplish their particular mission.
The Rebbe encouraged people to see their place as a shlichut, mission, from Hashem. They were placed there to fulfill a specific task. “I have grown accustomed to searching for the hashgacha pratit in every opportunity,” the Rebbe wrote in a letter to Zalman Shazar (President of Israel).
It is clear that you were put in this situation for a purpose. The question is, what is the best approach to take. Before moving to the stage of “changing her mind” (if that is appropriate given the factors involved), she must feel your support. If she feels your goal is to change her mind, she may back away. She needs care and empathy; someone who will listen, with whom she can share.
All marriages have challenges, ups and downs. Problems can fester and grow. If not addressed, then after 35 years a couple may feel there is too much “water under the bridge,” too much to fix.
As a first step, simply be there for your friend. Once you know the issues, and she feels your support, you will be in a better position to know how to intervene, how to help. It is important not to be discouraged. Marriages that seem hopeless, do turn around!
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling, [email protected]
