Question: Dear Rabbi Mandel. Bitachon Weekly has changed my life and how I view life! I have tremendous Hakaras HaTov to you! Thank you!
I am a mother of a few children, BH, from teenagers down to preschoolers; married to an incredible man, BH. With Rabbi Mandel's help, I have come to be able to sometimes laugh at some of my struggles and weaknesses! However, I am struggling with how to think about, and approach my weaknesses, that detrimentally affect those around me; particularly my husband and children.
For example, if I go to sleep at 2 or 3am every night, I can't wake up in the morning. I also didn't get enough sleep to hold myself together during the day; this has negative effects on my family. My children might miss rides, be late for school regularly, I will have trouble being patient later in the day when they come home, and I will have little focus during the day to accomplish certain tasks... so they just don't get done. I know this bothers my husband, because extra tasks fall on him, that I wasn't functional enough to take on.
Another example. Due to whatever reasons that Hashem has made be (whether my upbringing or ADHD or whatever), I simply struggle to do dishes, laundry, put away items, and tend to the house. While I sometimes have cleaning help, my house is not enjoyable to be in, with things everywhere all the time, and it really does bother my husband, internally and outwardly; although he tries to help out, and he does his best to keep his feelings in. I feel bad for him that he has to live like this!
Finally, my terrible eating habits. Overeating and emotional eating have made me gain a lot of weight, have little energy, and often feel so stuffed, sluggish, have a sore stomach to even be functional; especially at bedtime with my children! Again, my husband and children "suffer" because their wife/mother is just not able to fully give them what they need.
I'm simply not the only one affected by these choices and negative behaviors!! And then I go into a downward spiral of how I make self-destructive choices, and it's just really not working here. Please help me on how to think about and approach this from a Rabbi Mandel and Bitachon perspective. Thank you!
Answer: You are an unusual Tzadekes. You are making a major mistake about what’s going on. Hashem wants you to have this problem. Do not worry about your husband and kids. You are doing the best you can. You do not have to do any more! Hashem does not expect you to. That’s all you can do, and it’s not your fault. If you could do something, you would. So you're totally Patur! Throw your hands up, and say: Hashem, You're going to run this family. NEVER worry about how your kids are going to turn out. They're going to turn out great! Don’t worry about your overeating. None of that stuff! Enjoy yourself! So overeat! So oversleep! Who cares? THAT’S THE BEST YOU CAN DO.
Your husband married you, it’s tough. Don’t be too nice. Be nice to him as best you can, but don’t have too much Rachmanus. You have to understand that he married you, because Hashem wants him to be with you. It’s probably a big Mitzva for him, it’s a big Zechus for him to be married to such a Tzadekes like you.
Do you know why you're a Tzadekes? Because you go through so much. That makes you greater than all your friends. You don’t understand. People don’t appreciate Yissurim. Yissurim is the best ticket to Gan Eden. A person like you is going to have much more Olam HaBah than anyone else, because of what you're going through, which is totally not your fault. Don’t go around having too much Rachmanus on your husband and your kids. Go around throwing your hands up, and say: Hashem, You're in charge of them. This is the best I can do. There are three partners to a family. The husband, the wife, and Hashem. In your case, keep saying: Hashem, in my case, You're in charge, more than usual, because I simply can’t do certain things.
Now, Chizkiyahu HaMelech simply didn’t have the Koach to daven or do anything when he was surrounded by the most ferocious, gigantic army in the world; the army of Assyria. And because he had no Koach, and he said I have no Koach, the entire Assyria does not exist any more. That’s how much power a person who has no Koach has; he’s better than anyone else. And that’s you! You shouldn’t worry for a second. Do the best you can, that I'm not telling you not to. Do the best you can. NEVER put yourself down. ALWAYS put yourself up. Because you suffer, you're greater. This is a dark world, where they don’t live with the truth. This is the real, real truth. You're trying! You're better than all those people who succeed, because you're trying, and it’s hard, that makes you better than the whole world. Dovid HaMelech tried to build the Bais Hamikdash; he didn’t succeed. And it’s all called his, and not Shlomo's, who did succeed.
You tried, you're better than anybody. You must be a very holy Neshama. Never, ever look down at yourself. You want to overeat? So eat. So gain some weight. Try your best. If you can’t, you can’t. You'll be alright. And so you'll sleep a lot. So sleep. Nothing wrong. Sleep as much as you want. If you can work on it, do that. But if you can’t, you're trying your best. Your husband? He'll be alright. Don’t worry so much about him. Hashem will give him Koach. He’s lucky to have married you; that’s my personal opinion. And you should have a lot of Hatzlacha, a lot of nachas. And big Yeshuos, and big Nissim in your life. Anything could happen. Always remember that. Everything can turn around in one day, and it could be just perfect. In the meantime, accept it with tremendous Simcha. All day long, say: I love what I have. Get a big sign: Bless this mess! And read it over, all day long. That’s what you came here for; to be satisfied with such a situation. And that will make you great in the next world, and in this world. Be well, Kol Tuv.
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