Dear Rabbi Gruen,
First of all, thank you so much for your weekly shiurim, which I listen to every week and which provide me with so much inspiration. Hashem should bless you with lots of brachah. I have a question to ask and would greatly appreciate it if you could give me some clarity.
I’m a young mother of three little kids ka”h. My husband is a wonderful husband and in general a wonderful person. He has a very easy-going personality while I am just the opposite, quite intense and more rigid. Although we have changed a little over the years, with both of us moving towards the middle ground, I still find myself acting like too much of a strong wife with a tame husband, and I never wanted things to turn out like this.
One major area of contention is when I need his help with the children. Things can become very stressful and when I have to ask him nicely to help me I feel like exploding, such as on Erev Shabbos when the baby’s crying and the other children are acting wild. I find it so hard to take a deep breath and ask him in a nice, calm voice, “Please can you pick up the baby?” when what I really want to say is, “Can’t you see what’s going on here??”
I’ve asked him several times to offer his help so that I don’t have to ask. When I do have to ask, it often comes out sounding like a command, because I really need his help so I can’t give him the option of saying, “No.” I really don’t want to end up bossing him around. But he always replies that he prefers me to tell him exactly what needs doing, because otherwise he doesn’t know what to offer.
That just makes me feel even more frustrated, and when I read about wives asking for advice on how to deal with a tough kind of husband, I often think how lucky they are to be married to someone assertive. I have the same issue with chinuch, where my husband often asks me what we should do when he doesn’t know how to deal with a situation.
I realize that all this makes me sound like a terrible wife, but I’m really trying not to be like this. I actually feel awful about telling him what to do, even at times when I really do need his help, such as when I get home from work and have to deal with everything when I’m exhausted, and the moment he walks through the door I ask him for help, without giving him any time to relax after his long day (even though I didn’t get any time to relax either). I feel guilty about this; am I being fair?
I know he’s a wonderful husband and father, and in fact I try to emulate his flexibility and become more easy-going, but I still struggle with my strong-willed nature and would like your advice on how to allow him to become a stronger husband and father, especially at hectic times.
I know that he would like to see things change, too, because he once told me in a honest, vulnerable moment that he wants me to respect him more. I told him that I really want that too, but because I’m a natural leader with a strong will it’s hard for me that he’s not so strong. I try to work on shalom bayis and it’s my number-one priority and in general, we do have a good relationship — and I’d even say that this problem has brought us closer because it makes us discuss meaningful issues. But in practice, what can I do to change the dynamics?
Thank you
