Everyone needs chizuk from time to time, to help them keep in mind the goal they’re striving for. Having the goal in mind often makes it easier to address the bumps along the road. What also helps is to identify those bumps clearly and distinguish the genuinely problematic ones from more general challenges that afflict almost all couples.
In your letter, you mention quite a few issues that are causing you difficulty, which can be split into two different groups: the “internal” struggle between you and your husband; and the “external” struggle that results from comparing yourself to others. These are two separate areas. You mention differences in personality, in how “frum” you are, and minhagim. You also mention your friends and family, and a bachur who was at one point suggested for you. Your feelings in this area aren’t necessarily related to your relationship with your husband and it’s important to recognize this.
With regard to the “external” category, I would like to point out that wondering, “How might my life have turned out if only...” is itself problematic. As much as people know that it isn’t advisable to compare oneself to others, they still find themselves gazing longingly over the fence at the “greener grass” on the other side. I don’t know what your life “would have” looked like had you married someone more like your friends or relatives, but it’s clearly a waste of time — and worse, harmful — for you to spend time thinking “what if...”
I don’t deny that people have different levels of challenge in their lives. Nonetheless, people have the specific challenges that they need for their neshamos, and this is an essential part of life. And, even if you think your life would be simpler with a husband more aligned with your family’s way of doing things, you must remind yourself that there would be pluses and minuses in that situation, too, perhaps things that you can’t even conceive of.
This doesn’t mean that you have to resign yourself to the difficulties you are experiencing. The issues you describe are not set in stone and there is definitely room to discuss, make changes, and improve things for everyone. Wherever change is possible, there is no mitzvah to struggle or resist improving your situation.
