Question: Our 36-year-old son is a great person, very religious, but gets angry quite a bit. He has four young children, aged one to eight. He obsessively demands that his kids wash themselves even when a bit dirty, he wipes their noses, even the eight year old, when he thinks they have the slightest runny nose. He gets upset when the boys aged six and eight, lose a kippah, or a kippah clip. His conversations center on ordering them what to do: "Sit up", "leave your shoes outside next to the door", "play nicely" and the like. He plays soccer with them but doesn't read to them. He is more of a staff sergeant and less of a father. We have talked to him that he needs help calming down and being less obsessed with every minute of the kids’ activities. A few years ago he was ready to go to therapy but now refuses. We would like to get him to see this side of himself so that he can seek professional assistance, as there are times when we feel his house is going to explode from the tension he creates. Thanks for any assistance.
Answer: It is not unusual for a person to resist therapy. Possible reasons are: 1. pride (admitting the need to change); 2. fear of judgement; 3. feeling inadequate ; 4. negative stigma of therapy (i.e. there is something wrong with me; therapy is only for crazy people); 5. lack of belief that it will work; 6. underestimating their problems; 7. money; 8. lack of time; 9. belief they are correct; 10. the problem is with other people. 11. fear of change.
Whatever the causes are, tackling the reasons head-on and convincing a person they should go to therapy is usually not effective. Rather, your son needs to feel his wife is on his side. She is not judging, accusing or implying he has a problem. Rather, it is important to convey her appreciation of his good qualities and actions; her care, love and understanding. This will build trust.
The trust he feels will foster positive communication. She should resist the urge to offer advice. Rather, ask questions; show interest; listen to what he wants, i.e. “how would you like to see our home?” Most people have a positive vision of what they want. Explore options together as to how to make the vision a reality. Make a joint plan. Have a set time each week to touch base and evaluate their joint progress. Simply being on the same page, working together, having clarity regarding goals and mutual support will lead to positive change.
This does not negate the importance of therapy. However, the more trust and support he feels, the more likely he will be to entertain therapy, either alone or with his wife.
Aharon Schmidt - For counseling appointments and questions for this column: [email protected]
