The Torah in this week’s parshah refers to a man marrying a woman as “taking” a wife. The Gemara explains that “taking” means kiddushin, with a man giving a woman money, and learns this from the term the Torah uses in describing Avraham Avinu’s purchase of the Me’aras Hamachpeilah from Efron.
Commenting on this Gemara, the Rebbe R' Shlomo Bobover ztz”l wonders why we would learn about the foundations of a Yiddishe home from Efron, a person whom the Torah describes as having a “ra ayin,” meaning that he did not fargin others; he didn’t enjoy seeing other people happy. Surely there are other examples the Torah could have used instead?
He then explains that indeed, there are other examples in the Torah of “taking” that mean a purchase. However, the example of Efron is unique because this specific transaction left both sides delighted with what they gained. Efron was paid four hundredweight in special silver coins and was ecstatic at the amount and prestige of the payment. Avraham Avinu was ecstatic at having acquired the burial ground where Adam and Chava are buried, right at the entrance to Gan Eden. Neither party felt tricked, taken advantage of, or forced into the deal.
And that is just as it should be in marriage, says R’ Shlomo of Bobov. Each side should feel delighted with the other, and confident that they got the best possible spouse. No one should feel cheated, or that they “settled.” Both husband and wife should feel like winners.
In order for both to feel like winners, it’s important for each spouse to appreciate the other and to understand what the other is providing. It’s often easier to notice only what you contribute, and to wish your spouse would give more. But it’s a tremendous lost opportunity when people look at the give-and-take in marriage as a competitive interaction. In a successful marriage, one wins by appreciating more, by noticing more, by feeling blessed and transmitting one’s happiness to one’s spouse.
