In this week’s parshah, the passuk states, “Lo yumsu avos al banim ubanim lo yumsu al avos — Fathers shall not be put to death because of sons, nor shall sons be put to death because of fathers.” Rashi explains this as meaning that neither fathers nor sons shall be put to death due to the testimony of their relatives.
We know that the testimony of relatives is invalid — not only when they testify that the person being accused is innocent, but even when they testify to their relative’s guilt. It’s understandable that a person should have warm feelings toward his relatives and be blind to their faults, and so it makes sense that one shouldn’t be able to exonerate a relative. But why shouldn’t a relative be believed when he testifies against a family member?
The Chiddushei Harim answers that a relative is always supposed to judge his relatives favorably and see them in the best possible light. Just as a person invariably manages to justify his own actions, he should want and be able to justify his relatives’ actions. If a person cannot find any justification for a relative’s deeds, the Chiddushei Harim writes, then “eino b’geder adam” — he’s not in the category of “mentch.” There’s something wrong with a person who can come to beis din and testify against his own family.
If only it were always that way in real life. If only we were unable to find fault with our relatives and all the people with whom we’re close. If only we would see the good in the people close to us. Sometimes, it’s actually easier to find the positives in people with whom we’re not so close. When you live with a person, it can be easier to see their negative points, but that’s not the way it’s supposed to be.
All the same, there are times when we do naturally find ourselves sticking up for our relatives, usually when someone speaks negatively about them. How often does it happen that a parent complains about a difficult child, but defends that same child when the teacher calls to complain? Another common scenario is becoming defensive about a spouse and standing up for them when your parents complain about them — even if they’re complaining about something that you sometimes complain about yourself!
When we start to find faults in our loved ones, we should remind ourselves that if it had been an outsider finding the same faults, we would have been the ones sticking up for them.
