Let’s now turn to the inner aspect of your relationship with your husband — the disparity between your levels of frumkeit, as you see it. Here, too, it’s important to break things down into specifics rather than combine all your frustrations in such a way that they appear like a mountain. And here, too, it’s important to realize that not all differences are problems.
For starters, if you look for aspects of your husband’s more “closed” outlook, you may be able to find many ways in which you actually gain from it. It’s possible, for instance, that having a more “open-minded” husband would mean that he is on a smartphone for hours each day, or working in an environment that introduces a whole slew of challenges you’re currently sheltered from. Start noticing all the things you gain as a wife and mother from having a husband like yours.
Once you’ve done that, narrow your focus to the few areas that present a challenge to you. You’ll probably find that there aren’t as many as you thought. Only at this stage can you start looking for solutions — because you only just realized what the real issues are. Solutions might include hataras nedarim regarding a specific chumra that you accepted upon yourself but are finding too challenging, or some other kind of change that you can discuss with your husband. You may not have to undo or change all that much to become significantly more comfortable and at ease.
I would also encourage you to discuss things with your rav, especially as you mention that you have a good kesher with him, which is a great brachah. You may certainly ask the rav to keep things private and not reveal anything to your husband. However, it may help for you to involve your husband to a certain extent.
