Question: My son is 11 and I have a very hard time getting him to daven in shul. He constantly wants to go outside or not come to shul at all. I tell him to sit by me, stay focused, look at the page, but it doesn’t help. What can I do?
Answer: The measure of success is when a child grows to want to come to shul, to want to serve Hashem. While there is not one answer that works for every child, a parent must balance disciple with creativity and warmth.
Rabbi Manis Friedman saw a child misbehaving. The mother said, "if you continue, you will not get to come to shul to daven." The child learned that davening is not something you have to do, but something you get to do.
The Chabad girls Gan Yisrael camp has icekafiya - a play on words of "ice coffee"/"iskafiya". Iskafiya is defined as not indulging in one’s unholy desires. How can one teach 11 - 15 year old girls about iskafiya and keep them engaged. Teach it with a yummy ice coffee!
A 5th grade teacher in Kiryat Milachi was 20 minutes late. When he entered, a student was standing by the door holding up his watch. The teacher thought, "what chutzpa!" He breathed and gave the child the benefit of the doubt. "Did you want to show me your watch." "Yes," exclaimed the student, "I have been waiting since 7am. I told my mother that the first person to see my new watch would be YOU."
Rabbi Naftali Rot, a highly-regarded speaker and educator, told the story of a father who for many years made sure his son sat by him in shul, looked at the siddur, stood and sat at the right times, etc., etc. When the son grew older he didn’t want to enter shul. What happened? The father was doing what he thought was right. The son was thinking, "I can’t wait until I am older and can decide not to come anymore!"
On the flip side, a seven year-old did not want to come to shul. Rav Michael Avishid advised the father to tell him he must come. He explained: if there is not discipline when he is seven, it will be very hard to have discipline when he is older.
Rav Berush Beliniski, a second grade teacher, also encouraged a father to bring his young child to shul, while suggesting that the father prepare a yummy bag of nosh for the child to take along.
Parenting is a balance of chesed and gevurah; discipline and warmth. However, the two are not contradictory. The child should feel the discipline is rooted in the parent’s love. Pirkei Avot teaches: Everything that G-d created in His world, He created only for His glory. A child’s uniqueness is not to be feared; rather, fostered and nurtured. When guided in a positive direction, the child can fulfill his greatest potential.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling, [email protected]
