Our Parsha tells the story of the rebellious son. Our Rabbis teach us that the criteria to qualify for this label have never been and will never be met and that such a child exists only theoretically. Yet a series of pesukim are dedicated to this subject because nonetheless there is so much to learn and glean about parenting and education.
Rashi tells us the term soreir comes from sar, he has drifted from the path, he is not meeting our expectations and hopes. The Torah tells us he does not and cannot hear kol aviv u’kol imo, the voice of his father and the voice of his mother. The Torah never wastes a word and yet it could have said b’kol aviv v’imo, he doesn’t listen to the voice of his father and mother. It must be that the second use of kol, voice, is not redundant or extraneous at all. Rather, there is in fact a separate kol aviv, a message and values of the father, and a kol imo, a message and values of the mother.
When children receive mixed messages, inconsistent and contradictory values, everything becomes incoherent. They then stop paying attention and begin to be soreir, drift, until it ultimately leads to moreh, rebellion. It is not only parents that influence and raise a child but it is the grandparents, the school, the shul, and all the adults in the community to whom they turn for modeling and for inspiration. We must be on the same page and project a consistent message of what our values are, what we are all about, and what we expect from them.
If your child or grandchild asks you – do you care more about my being happy and successful or my being kind – what would you answer? I would hope they would hear us answer being kind. And yet, though our voices may be saying that, we are clearly articulating another message.
Rav Shimshon Raphael Hirsch notes that the Torah describes the ben sorer u’moreh not only as a rebellious child, but as one who is zoleil v’sovei, gluttonous and indulgent in meat and wine. Parents, he says, must be much more concerned with their child’s values, behavior, sensitivity, and kindness than with the quantity and quality of the food their child is eating. We focus on our children being well-fed, well-dressed, and happy, all of which are important. But we must focus even more on who they are and how they behave than on their happiness. They need to know that we care more about their concern for the happiness of others than for their own happiness.
As our parsha emphasizes, Hashem cares as much – if not more – about our behaving with righteousness, justice, and kindness as He does about our observing His laws. The best gift we can give our children is not making them believe the world is about them, but helping them learn the world is about helping others.
The parsha concludes with the laws of having honest weights and measures and describes one who doesn’t as a to’eivah, an abomination. However, the verse uses two phrases – kol oseh eileh, kol oseh aveil, one who does “these,” and one who does “iniquity.” Rav Menachem Bentzion Zaks, in his Menachem Tziyon, offers a novel interpretation. The abomination, he explains, is when someone is oseh eileh, learns Torah and does mitzvos and yet, oseh aveil, is dishonest, lacks integrity, and is unkind. God has no tolerance for such a duplicitous person. To Hashem, it is repulsive and despicable to appear as a religious, observant individual and yet be rotten to the core when it comes to honesty and righteousness.
Our children are ultimately molded most by what they think that we, their parents and grandparents, value most. When our children are asked if their parents care more about achievement and happiness or being kind, let us do all we can to ensure that they know the right answer.
