An important mitzvah in this Parsha of Mitzvos, concerns our responsibilities during the first year of marriage.
We can't go to war, or be busy with anything that will take up all our time. We concentrate on getting to know our wives, bonding and forging a close connection- and making them happy. The Torah got there first...happy wife, happy life. For those who think they know better, read on.
Naki yiheye l’beiso, the posuk states. Keep your relationship unencumbered, clean, the lines of communication open. Advice for couples at all stages. It’s obvious that spouses who discuss matters civilly have a better marriage than those that shy away from discussion. Being dan l'kaf zechus, judging favorably, is a major component of a good relationship. No less so with our spouses- the single most important relationship in our lives.
We men tend to be closed, showing little emotion and vulnerability. This is a mistake that makes our wives feel as if they are roommates and not soulmates. We don’t have to travel far to weaken our relationship. We can go far away in our minds. And yes our wives will feel this. In some circles, it might seem as if couples are living in two different worlds. There is almost no connection. Not sustainable for very long, children witnessing this learn to hide their emotion and the healing powers of a healthy home are absent from their lives, heavily affecting future generations.
Communication is essential. Closeness Is the answer. Shimon was shocked when he saw his wife's tears. “What don’t I do for you”, she said, "making the best meals, taking care of your world so you may sit and learn peacefully. Yet yesterday when I brought you tea, you asked me to please leave as I was disturbing you!” Shimon would never say such a thing. Yet his wife was convinced Suddenly, he realized what had happened. He was learning Eruvin where the gemara talks in depth about a lechi, a side post, placed at the entrance of an alleyway, permitting carrying on Shabbos. The Hebrew word for sidepost is lechi. Some say there must be 2 side posts – “lechi mikan and lechi mikan.” His wife walked in as he was saying lechi mikan, which also means please go away from here- in Hebrew. How important clear communication is when we might feel emotionally distant from our spouses!
The Berditchever says, Hashem isn’t certain whether to seal our judgment – so we participate... He has us witness another person doing wrong and gauges our reaction; if we judge favorably, then Hashem judges us favorably, if not, then we have signaled which type of judgment Hashem should take towards us, Chas V'shalom. With Rosh Hashanah coming up sooner than we think- let's internalize this lesson. Substituting negativity and criticism with love and concern. Let your spouse and children know how much you love them and how much they mean to you. It’s a perfect segue to Rosh Hashanah. Good Shabbos!
- RABBI BEN ZION SNEH
