Dear Rabbi Gruen,
Thank you so much for all your insightful words on so many different topics. The ideas are tremendously thought-provoking and have helped me improve my relationships.
I have one question that I haven't heard you speak about yet, and I was wondering what you would advise. Many times, especially recently, I find myself thinking that I married the wrong person. My husband and I come from very different backgrounds — his family is much more “frum” than mine. Our personalities are also very different, the things we enjoy are different...
To be blunt, I grew up in a much more open-minded home, and in addition, all my friends are like me — or rather, more like what I used to be. I feel like I'm not “me” anymore, if that makes sense. I understand a woman is supposed to follow her husband’s minhagim and preferences but sometimes it’s just too much. I don't want to be the type of wife who drags my husband down, which is why I have never told him that I feel this way, especially as he’s so caring and I know it would hurt him to find out that he's causing me pain, but sometimes I find myself thinking that maybe we’re just not meant for each other.
My husband is a really special person and we have two adorable children ka”h. But I keep thinking that he deserves way better than me. Don't get me wrong — I understand that Hashem put us together for a reason but sometimes I really doubt I can live like this my whole life. My husband has no idea that I feel this way (although he does know that I cover my sheitel for him and that I wouldn’t do that otherwise).
I also find myself thinking back to before we were engaged, to another boy who was suggested for me. He was much more my type, from a family like my own. I chose my husband — I suppose because I was young and idealistic and really believed that I could live a genuinely ruchniyusdig life — but I had no idea back then how hard it would be.
I guess it was bashert, but what do I do now?! We have a great marriage, though of course we have our share of bumps in the road like any other couple, but we really work together to communicate effectively and we love each other in a deep and meaningful way. I really do love my husband and respect him immensely. I’m just worried that we’re too removed from each other’s worlds...
So I guess what I’m really asking is how can I work on myself so that these thoughts go away and never come back. They interfere with my daily life and obviously put a stress on my shalom bayis. Recently, I listened to your shiur on a wife who is light-years away from her husband in ruchniyus terms, and I could really relate to much of what you said, but my situation is different because I knew what I was getting into in advance. I thought of speaking to our rav, as we are both close with him, but I’m concerned that it could get back to my husband, and I don’t want to hurt him.
I would really appreciate your advice and chizuk.
Thank you
