Throughout this pandemic, I keep hearing the phrase "we're all in the same boat." Well, that's not true. Some people are sick or their lives are in danger. Others have lost family members. Some people face unbearable isolation and loneliness, while others have large families and extensive responsibilities. We may all be going through the same storm, but our boats are quite different.
Everyone has a different experience of the pandemic, and the way we internalize this reality will affect how we deal with the storm and the extent to which we can come out of it happy.
Sean Aiker, a well-known researcher and professor at Harvard, tells his audience the following story:
Imagine for a moment that you enter the bank. There are 50 other people in the bank besides you. Suddenly, a robber comes in and shoots once. You get a bullet in the right arm.
Now, if you were to honestly describe this event to your colleagues and co-workers the next day, would you describe it as a happy or unfortunate event?
Almost always, the audience responds in a 30/70 distribution. Most people say that this is an objectively unfortunate event. "I was just busy with my business, I was running errands, and suddenly I get a bullet in my hand!" or "Seriously?! Am I the only person who was shot?!"
Somehow, 30% of the audience comes to the conclusion that this is actually a lucky event. They see a different perspective: "I could have taken a bullet in the head or in the heart. I could have died." Others claim, "Fifty people in the room and no one died! It's very lucky."
Where does this ability to see the full half of the glass come from? How can we consistently create a positive outlook on life?
We tell ourselves stories regularly. When we are in a certain situation, we unconsciously tell ourselves some opposing stories, comparing what could have happened to what actually happened.
Those people whose counter-story was that I was the only person shot, would reasonably conclude that a shot in the arm is an unfortunate event.
However, those who use the same comparative thinking style according to which I could have died, but survived, will regard the shot in the arm as something positive.
The comparisons we make between life situations are what determine how satisfied we are with life. Our ability to create an alternative explanation is key to whether we respond emotionally paralyzed or flexibly and adaptively. By cultivating a positive explanation mindset, you can become part of the 30% of people who see the glass halfway full.
The best part about the counterstory is that it's completely hypothetical. And that means we have the ability to create stories like this and use them to help us feel happier.
The Mishna teaches us, "Who is rich? He who rejoices in his lot" (Tractate Avot 4:1). How do we reach this state of positivity? The secret lies in the story, in the new way of thinking that a person can create for himself.
No matter how terrible our situation is, creating contrasting, colorful, and vivid stories will help us sweeten our lives.
What do you say to yourself during the COVID-19 pandemic?
- I can't do it anymore.
- These masks are suffocating me!
- Maybe it's better to leave the children at home so they don't get infected?
- The children don't stop fighting!
- So sad that it is still impossible to host...
- I hate teaching distance learning!
or
- I'm lucky to be alive.
- All my family members are healthy.
- Thank God I'm not stuck in the hospital.
- I'm so happy that I have a family and children that I can hug even if they don't hug friends and family yet.
- I am thankful that I have access to protective measures.
When we have good counter-stories, we can handle any storm. These stories are the eternal secret to cultivating a good eye and a positive attitude. One day, a few years from now, we may have a bad week or a bad month, but hopefully the memory of COVID-19 will serve as a counter-story to fill that difficult moment with joy.
