Horav Yechiel Michel Stern, Shlita (Rav of Ezras Torah), related the following story, which demonstrates how a seasoned mechanech, educator, a Rosh Yeshivah known for the love he showed his talmidim, rendered rebuke. Horav Yaakov Neiman, zl, stood at the helm of Yeshivas Ohr Yisrael in Petach Tikva – a yeshivah that produced many dynamic Torah leaders, as well as laymen for whom Torah study was their primary vocation.
Rav Stern had a roommate who was also his chavrusa, study partner. He was a frum, observant, boy who liked to have a good time. Suffice it to say that he danced to his own beat, which often did not align with the yeshivah’s rules. The Rosh Yeshivah would take a daily walk, accompanied by one of his students. It was a time for learning and an opportunity to point out areas in which the student could grow spiritually. In short, it was an unprecedented opportunity for a ben Torah to receive guidance and chizuk from a premier Rosh Yeshivah and mechanech.
That day, Rav Yechiel Michel was selected to walk with Rav Neiman. Everything was going smoothly until Rav Yechiel Michel saw his friend walking toward them.
“This cannot be good,” he thought to himself. His friend met them. The Rosh Yeshivah asked him, “Where are you going?”
With a defiance born of pure chutzpah, the bochur replied, “To see a film at the theater.”
Rav Yaakov Neiman
When Rav Yechiel Michel heard this, he was certain the Rosh Yeshivah would administer a resounding slap to the face of his friend. He did not; rather, he said, “It is cool outside, and it is a bit of a distance to the theater. I suggest that you return to the dorm and put on a sweater.”
This was too much for the young future Rav of Ezras Torah to contain. When he returned to the yeshivah, he went up to the Rosh Yeshivah and asked for an explanation. A student had openly flaunted a behavior unacceptable in a yeshivah milieu. Furthermore, he had spoken to the Rosh Yeshivah with a smug attitude that bordered on chutzpah.
The Rosh Yeshivah countered, “How many years have you been a Torah mechanech that you feel secure in making such a judgment call? I have been a Rosh Yeshivah for over half-a-century. Leave the decisions to me.”
That night, the bochur was very agitated. He could not understand why the Rosh Yeshivah had not excoriated him for his behavior. He was certain that the next morning he would be sent home. The following morning, the Rosh Yeshivah was deep in conversation with the Mashgiach, under whose purview daily discipline of the talmidim fell.
The bochur was certain he would be called over by the Mashgiach and asked to leave. He knew that he had acted inappropriately and was prepared to face the music. Nothing happened. Another day passed, and he could no longer tolerate the anxiety. He had done wrong, and he expected to be punished. What was taking so long? That night, he was climbing out of his skin.
He asked to see the Rosh Yeshivah. He walked into his office and broke down in copious weeping. “I acted inappropriately. I went where I was not supposed to go, and I spoke to the Rosh Yeshivah with chutzpah. I beg forgiveness, and I am ready to accept whatever punishment the Rosh Yeshivah decides is best for me.”
Rav Neiman took the bochur’s hand in his and soothed it, “Your father works for the city – does he not? He probably just barely ekes out a living to support his family. Yet, he values a Torah education so much that he is prepared to deprive himself in order that his children should study Torah. You are the oldest of your siblings. They all look up to you, to the point that the decisions you make concerning your future will greatly impact the path they, too, will choose. Why would you act in an unbecoming manner for a ben yeshivah? Does your father not deserve a ‘return’ on his investment? Do you want to be the catalyst for your brother’s leaving yeshivah and following a way of life not aligned with your Torah potential?”
The bochur heard the message clearly. Rav Neiman’s patience in addressing his innocent behavior saved, not only him, but his entire family. The bochur returned to the gemorah and became an outstanding masmid, diligent student of Torah. Years passed; he sought no position, just learning. When he was ready to get married, he was accepted into one of the most illustrious Torah families.
It was at the chupah that Rav Neiman called over to Rav Yechiel Michel and said, “Nu! What do you think: Should I have slapped him or pinched his cheek?”
Perfect students are rare, but so are perfect mentors. When addressing a student’s misbehavior, restraint is not only advantageous, it is essential. While a harsh punishment may correct an action, it can leave a lasting damage on the heart. [I may add that the mentor should first introspect to make sure that he is not acting to assuage his own bruised ego.] A small affectionate gesture, such as a pinch on the cheek, conveys disappointment, while affirming unconditional love and support. It teaches the student that growth is expected, but never at the expense of respect and connection.
Reprinted from the Parshas Devorim 5785 email of Peninim on the Torah compiled by Rabbi L Scheinbaum of the Hebrew Academy of Cleveland.
