Question: I have been reading your col-umn in the Living Jewish pamphlet for quite a while now. I have noticed that one of your constant themes is for both husband and wife to always put the marriage and their relation-ship first. My husband has told me many times over the decades that we have been married, both privately and in therapy with psychologists and Rabbis, that Hashem abso-lutely always comes first and I will never be more than second. It makes me feel unwanted, unnecessary, and unloved. What would be your advice in dealing with this?
Answer: It is not easy to feel unwanted, unnecessary and unloved. At the same time, your husband appears very sincere in his ser-vice of Hashem which is something to admire.
Yet, there might be a way to frame his ap-proach a bit differently. Marriage is a central aspect of one's service of Hashem. Hashem does not desire that a person remain alone, but wants a man and woman to marry and raise children following the ways of Torah and mitzvot. That being said, Hashem wants us not only to be married on paper, but to have a caring and close relationship. Therefore, the two ideas don't contradict each other. By put-ting the marriage first, we are putting Hashem first. And, in many situations, putting the marriage first requires putting our spouse first and making them feel they are a priority.
Follow-up Question: If it's a choice be-tween spending time with your wife or going to minyan, minyan comes first. If halacha says A, but the wife wants B, then halacha wins. I don't see how they are the same thing.
Answer: What was discussed is the general concept, yet every situation is different and the particular circumstances need to be taken into account. For example, why does the wife not want her husband to go to minyan? Per-haps she is sick and needs help with the kids. Perhaps she needs support. Every situation has variables that need to be considered.
For the wife, putting the marriage first can mean encouraging her husband to go to min-yan and learn Torah, because a healthy home is built on Torah and mitzvot. At the same time, there are moments when circumstances call for a different approach. That does not mean we are choosing the marriage over Ha-shem. We are serving Hashem through sensi-tivity to the needs of the moment.
Aharon Schmidt, relationship and shidduchim coaching: [email protected]/ www.youtube.com/@aharonschmidt. Send questions to this email.
