Introduction
This week, I’d like to discuss some of the feedback I receive from various readers and listeners on different classes and articles. It seems that while many people find it easy to relate to the advice I give on issues that don’t touch their own lives, when the advice comes up against the cold reality of their own situation, suddenly it’s, “I don’t agree with that,” or, “Excellent advice — but it’s not practical”, or simply, “Yeah, but it won’t work in my marriage.”
Sometimes, they’re right. Perhaps the advice really isn’t suited to them, because of the particular dynamics of their situation that I’m not privy to. Maybe one-on-one counseling would help them apply the ideas to their situation, something I can’t do in a public forum. And sometimes they may simply be running away from facing up to painful or challenging realities. Changing the habits of years, decades, or a lifetime is incredibly hard, and it’s understandable that people resist acknowledging what has to be done. But it’s not impossible. If I can help people to make even a small positive change in their lives, then I am grateful for the privilege of doing so.
Response
I frequently answer questions in this area from married men whom I counsel one-on-one. Most people are asking questions that have been asked by thousands of men before them. If so, why not answer the questions in a public forum, one might ask?
First of all, I have no wish to become a specialist on issues that would turn me into a “controversial” figure, especially as I have many ideas on all areas of shalom bayis and chinuch that I want to share with people and don’t want to confine myself to a single issue.
Secondly, I believe that there are good reasons for only addressing questions in this area on an individual and personal basis. While the anonymity of email is very appealing to a lot of people, it’s precisely that anonymity that can cause problems to arise. In order to respond to someone’s question appropriately, it’s often necessary to know more about them than an email will reveal. And even when the question requires only a straightforward “yes” or “no,” replying over email is in itself inappropriate, because one never knows who is hiding behind that email address. It could be someone who is seeking information for the wrong reasons, or, worse, someone who will distort or disseminate the answer.
When someone is looking for clarity, they need to ask someone who is qualified to provide the information. That means not only refraining from consulting “Google” but also refraining from posing questions to whoever is willing to answer over email, because that’s how you feel comfortable asking. Yes, it can be embarrassing to ask these questions. That’s normal and actually commendable, as we are supposed to be modest in this area and deal with these issues with sensitivity and only in private. But, just as we overcome our reticence and seek out professional advice when it comes to medical matters, so too (lehavdil) should we overcome our embarrassment and seek out halachic and hashkafic advice in any area which is so fundamental to a Torah marriage.
Furthermore, by stepping into online cesspits, people are exposed to ideas that they end up wishing they had never heard about. Just as we don’t trust our health to quack doctors who offer to give advice in secrecy, we should not trust our spiritual health to those who offer anonymity in exchange for the sanctity of our marriages. And, just because those cesspits exist doesn’t mean that rabbanim and madrichim should compete with them. When assessing the larger picture and the success rates of marriages in general, it becomes obvious that we have nothing to feel intimidated about from the secular world and their marriages.
Many people have complaints about how they were taught (or rather, what they weren’t taught) before they got married. It’s important to note that there are various valid approaches and opinions about this and just because someone thinks differently doesn’t mean that the way he or she was taught is wrong. Furthermore, it’s often impossible to know, before marriage, which approach suits which person.
Getting things right in this area is of course very important. But the question of what is right for a particular person or couple within the general category of right isn’t always clear. This is why each person needs to reach out and obtain the information they need from the right source.
Sometimes, people complain that lack of information in this area contributes to (or even is the main cause of) shalom bayis problems. This would make sense if the divorce rate in the modern world, where all information is public knowledge and easily accessible, wasn’t staggering. Without emotional connection, physical intimacy is a travesty of what Torah marriage is all about. No amount of information is going to address that.
So, please reach out to someone you trust, and don’t let any shame get in your way, and with the proper sensitivity to these matters, you’ll get the advice you need.
