Question: After ten years of marriage, my wife and I generally enjoy a peaceful home. Sure, we have our disagreements, but overall, things are good. So why do I sometimes feel so alone? The longer we’re married, the more distant I feel, as if the connection between us is quietly fading. Is this normal? And more importantly, what can be done about it?
Answer: First, know that you are absolutely not alone. Many couples experience this sense of growing distance. It’s not a sign of failure or a reason to panic. In fact, simply noticing the gap—and caring enough to want to fix it—is a huge step in the right direction.
Early in marriage, life is exciting and focused on just the two of you. But as the years go by, responsibilities pile up: work, kids, bills, household chores. You become partners in running a busy home, but sometimes lose sight of each other as husband and wife. The connection can fade as you start taking each other for granted.
Jewish mysticism (Chassidus) teaches that every marriage is rooted in a deep, spiritual unity. Husband and wife are two halves of one soul, but this unity must be revealed and nurtured through conscious effort. Investing in the couple’s connection does more than strengthen the relationship; it uncovers the Divine unity at the heart of their marriage.
I once heard from a man who, for forty years, set aside the same day and time each week to go out with his wife. Their secret? Consistency and intentional effort. Connection doesn’t just happen; it requires ongoing investment.
We’re all busy and tired, but every “yes” to distractions is a “no” to your relationship. You don’t have to neglect your responsibilities, but you do need to prioritize each other.
Practical Steps to Reconnect:
- Schedule Weekly Time Together
- Express Appreciation: consistently share things you value and appreciate about your spouse
- Unplug: put away devices during your time together
- Share and Listen: show interest in your spouse/share your world—really listen to each other
- Small Caring Gestures: little acts go a long way.
The more you invest, the stronger your connection will become.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling: www.aharonschmidt.com.
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