When Two Sides Are Dug In
Let us return to the sugyah of machlokes... or in any area where there are two sides, where one says like this and the other one says differently. For example, two partners get into an argument over the application of a certain clause in their agreement; one partner interprets it one way, while the second partner interprets it to his own advantage. The difference between the two sides represents a large difference in money. Each side finds it difficult to understand the other—and now they find themselves in a terrible disagreement.
A bystander who tries to help bring peace between them has all but given up, seeing that neither will budge from his position. “Maybe I can daven for them,” he says.
Beyond the Surface
But the Me’or Einayim teaches us the incredible secret of entering another area of the mind of each of the partners. The truth is that the reason each person has stubbornly dug in has very little to do with who is right and who is wrong. The problem is that they went into negotiations to find out who is more justified than the other one, and that is why they didn’t get anywhere: because each one is convinced that he is in the right.
In order to reconcile between the two, we need to go beyond the surface and ask: Why does neither one of them want to compromise? Why does neither of them want to budge from his position? Why are they so stubborn? The answer is that in order for anyone to budge from what he thinks is 100 the truth, he must go to a part of the mind that is deeper than חכמה. The aspect of דעת includes a part of the mind that the person may not even be aware of—yet it is directly responsible for his stubbornness. There are premises, presumptions within a person’s subconscious, that have been established over many years, and the person builds upon those premises. These premises are the foundation for whatever the person will later think, shaping his outlook and his opinions. This is the דעת part of the mind.
Presumptions That Cause Stubbornness
If we don’t address those foundations within a person—the foundations upon which his stubbornness and unwillingness to compromise are built—we will never be able to change him. Perhaps we will succeed in getting him to give up a few dollars, but true change will never happen, and it will often seem as if we’re hitting a brick wall.
However, if we succeed in reaching the deeper parts of his mind, addressing the root thoughts and foundations, we will likely succeed in moving a person from his dug in position. Don’t just seek to convince him to budge; look deeper into why he refuses to budge. There is a reason for it: It is built upon a number of foundations.
Often, it is because this person used to be overly soft. He felt like he is always being stomped upon, and he developed his stubbornness as a defense mechanism, telling himself, “If I won’t stand my ground, they’ll steal all my money.” In other instances, it can be that he was always taking advice from anyone and everyone, never being able to come to his own conclusions—until, one day, he realized that he is perfectly capable of making his own decisions, that he is smarter than everyone, and he has no reason to listen to anyone else.
There are many other possibilities as well, and if we don’t dig deeper to ascertain the root cause of a person’s stubbornness, how can we hope to influence him to change? We will soon see that the Torah is the greatest way to access the wisdom to grasp the hidden realms of other people’s thinking.
