Some people delight in avodas Hashem and experience a taste of Gan Eden with every word of Torah learned, with every mitzvah performed. Others (like most of us) find avodas Hashem a struggle, at least some of the time. The Bnei Yissaschar calls these two types of avodas Hashem “avodas massa” and “avodas matanah” — service of Hashem that is experienced as a burden, and service of Hashem that is experienced as a gift and a privilege. We see an example of the latter in this week’s parshah, where Hashem tells Moshe Rabbeinu, “I have given your kehunah the avodah as a gift...”
Detaching from the physical world to the degree that avodas Hashem involves no effort, only pleasure, is something that very few people can do. The tzaddik the Rebbe R’ Zusha said of himself that he only expected to be rewarded for his younger years, when serving Hashem was still a struggle. Each of us defines struggle differently, but it’s clear that as the struggle intensifies, so does the reward increase.
This concept can be hard to apply to our relationships. Rarely do we feel that the relationship is itself the reward and that we don’t want or need anything in return for what we invest. It would be unrealistic to demand that someone feel so close to their spouse that they feel wonderful just from giving. In any case, a one-sided relationship in which one spouse does all the giving and the other, all the taking, is very far from the ideal.
Nonetheless, this doesn’t mean that we give in order to receive. We can give wholeheartedly without doing it just for the return. Rabbi Avigdor Miller would often advise married people to, occasionally, do something for their spouse in secret, without telling them about it — something that they won’t even find out about. When done often, this can genuinely shift our mindset and transform a self-centered partnership into an other-centered marriage. And doing so can be not only for our spouses, but for Hashem too, thereby serving Hashem as we improve our marriage.
