Mevater
A primary approach is to be mevater. If someone wants something, don't fight; let him have his way. Reb Pinchas Koritzer zt'l (Aseres Yemei Teshuvah 513) wrote, "It is better to be mevater on some mitzvos so that there won't be a division among Yidden." If one should be mevater even on spiritual matters, you should certainly be mevater on worldly issues because the benefits of peace are great.
It states (Koheles 4:9) טובים השנים מן האחד. The Ahavas Shalom zt'l explains that if you see two people getting along, מן האחד, it is because one of them is mevater. Specifically, in marriage, many problems are avoided when there is vitur. The Satmer Rav says, "We have a kabalah, tradition, that with shalom bayis, the one who is mivater is the winner."
A common brachah given to a new chasan and kallah is that their marriage should be bound with a kesher shel kayamah, an eternal knot. Why is the bond of marriage referred to as a knot? We could have called it a connection of glue (דבק), as it states in the Tanaim document, וה' הטוב יאמר לדבק טוב! The answer is that a knot represents vatranus, because to tie two ropes together, each must give of itself. Let's say you take two 100-yard ropes and glue them together. You will now have a long rope of 200 yards. But if you connect the two ropes with a knot, it becomes a rope of only 198 yards. Each rope was mevater of itself to create the knot that binds them together. We bless the chasan and kallah that their marriage should be eternal, as if tied in a knot. They should both be mevater for the sake of peace.
I heard from one of the gabai'im of Reb Shlomo Zalman Auerbach zt'l that, towards the end of his life, some askanim spoke out brazenly against Reb Shlomo Zalman. The gabbai told Reb Shlomo Zalman that he wanted to be mocheh and protest in honor of Reb Shlomo Zalman's Torah. Reb Shlomo Zalman didn't let him do so. He said, "הייתי נער וגם זקנתי ולא ראיתי, I was young, and now I am old, and I haven't yet seen someone who lost out from vatranus, from being silent during a machlokes."
I heard the following story from Reb Eliezer Turk Shlita: A din Torah came before him. A man was renovating his home, and a debate arose over who must pay the five-thousand-shekel cost for the construction of a wall shared by two neighbors. In the middle of the din Torah, one of the baalei dinim (the one who was renovating his home) said, "I don't want to fight. I am mevater! I will pay the five thousand shekel." He owed his contractor 15,000 shekel for other work he did, so he gave him a check for 20,000 shekel to cover the cost of the wall and the other construction. Sometime later, he asked his contractor, "You don't need the money? Why didn't you cash the check for 20,000 shekel?" He replied, "Weeks ago, I gave the check to an Arab who worked for me. I don't know why he didn't cash it." The contractor asked the Arab why he didn't cash the check, and he told the following: The check was for 20,000 shekels. The Arab added a zero to cash the check and take out 200,000 shekel. But he didn't realize there were words under the numbers, which read "twenty-thousand shekel." The bank clerk realized what was happening and nearly threw him out of the bank. That is why the check was never cashed. So, did this person lose out from his vatranus? He agreed to pay five thousand shekels and earned fifteen-thousand shekels profit!
The Rambam (Dei'os 6:7) teaches, "It is proper that a person should be מעביר על מדותיו, to be mevater, when it comes to worldly matters because to the wise, everything in this world is foolishness and not worth fighting over."
The ger tzedek, Reb Avraham ben Avraham Pototski, was arrested by the church and burned alive, hy'd. The ger tzedek said, "I know who slandered me, causing my arrest, but I didn't take revenge in this world, and I certainly won't take revenge in the next." He explained with a parable: A young prince was playing at the beach, building a sand castle. Someone came along and broke his masterpiece. The prince ran to his father, crying that someone had broken his artistic work. To his surprise, the king didn't react. The prince thought to himself, 'Why isn't my father doing anything? When I grow up, I will take revenge on this person who ruined my sculpture.' But when he became an adult and a king, he didn't take revenge because he realized the “crime” was nothing. Similarly, I'm not taking revenge in this world; I certainly won't take revenge in the next world." As the Rambam writes, "To the wise, everything in this world is foolishness and not worth fighting over."
Postpone the Machlokes
Sometimes a person feels that he has to speak up. This is common with issues related to ruchniyos, and one feels he cannot remain silent. At these times, it is advisable to wait for the next day. The Yismach Moshe zt'l said, "I think a person shouldn’t rush to machlokes. If it is an aveirah, he certainly shouldn't rush. And if it is a mitzvah, he also shouldn't rush because a mitzvah needs preparation. So, when you feel you should start a machlokes, push it off until tomorrow. By then, you will likely see things differently. And even if not, you will be able to respond in a more level-headed manner.
When Korach and his followers wanted to make a machlokes with Moshe, Moshe replied (16:5), "בקר וידע ד' את אשר לו, In the morning, Hashem will make known who is His." Tomorrow, Hashem will reveal to us who should be the kohen gadol. Rashi writes, "[Moshe's] real intention was to delay, with the hope that they might retract [their opposition]." He wanted to push off the machlokes for the next day. Maybe by then, they would recognize their error.
Make Peace Quickly
Another important piece of counsel is to make peace as quickly as possible. Some quarrels last so long that the parties involved have long forgotten why they are fighting. This is because they didn't stop the machlokes when it was small. The quicker you let go of the machlokes, the better. Reb Hershel Zidichover zt'l said that when two people hold onto opposite ends of a rope in a game of tug-of-war, and one lets go, the other will fall. So, too, when someone is fighting you, you are best off just letting go and not participating in the machlokes. Your opponent will fall and leave you alone. But if you fight back, the dispute will continue.
It states (Tehillim 38:14) ואני כחרש לא אשמע וכאלם לא יפתח פיו, "But I am as a deaf person, I do not hear, and like a mute, who does not open his mouth." This pasuk is a counsel for machlokes. Pretend that you didn't hear. Pretend you can’t speak; let the matter pass, and the machlokes will dissipate.
It is written (Mishlei 17:14) פוטר מים ראשית מדון, "The beginning of strife is like letting out water…" When water pushes through a small opening, the water comes forth as a small trickle, a flow that can easily be sealed. But when the flow widens, it becomes much harder to stop. The Gemara (Sanhedrin 7) says that the pasuk refers to a trickle of water coming from a river and is beginning to form a new path. You can throw some earth against the soft current, and the problem is resolved. However, if you don't do anything about it, the trickle will become a strong current, becoming much harder to close. This metaphor for machlokes. In the beginning, a machlokes can easily be rectified. Ask for forgiveness, laugh, and it is over. But when it goes on for a long time, it is harder to mend.
The Shlah HaKadosh teaches that this counsel is found in the letters of מחלקת. The 'מ has a small opening on the bottom, hinting at a minor breach in the peace. If the problem is resolved immediately, everything will be fine. However, when the gap isn't fixed, it will become wider. This brings us to the next letter of מחלקת, the letter 'ח, which has a wide opening at its bottom, suggesting that the machlokes had taken root and the breach has widened. Afterward comes the 'ל and 'ק. The lamed has a line going up, and the kuf has a line going down. This hints that the fire of the dispute has become extreme, with the flames of their dissension blazing in all directions. Finally, we reach the letter 'ת, which stands securely on its two feet, implying that the fight has become firmly entrenched and very difficult to uproot. This can all be avoided if the machlokes is resolved when it was still small.
It states (Bereishis 13:7) ויהי ריב בין רעי מקנה אברם ובין רעי מקנה לוט והכנעני והפרזי אז ישב בארץ, "There was a quarrel between the herdsmen of Avram's cattle and between the herdsmen of Lot's cattle, and the Canaanites and the Perizzites were then dwelling in the land." And (Bereishis 13:8) ויאמר אברם אל לוט אל נא תהי מריבה ביני ובינך ובין רעי ובין רעיך כי אנשים אחים אנחנו, "And Avram said to Lot, 'Please let there be no quarrel between me and between you and between my herdsmen and between your herdsmen, for we are brothers.'" The first pasuk uses the word ריב while the second pasuk states מריבה. The Alshich explains that both mean disputes, but ריב is a dispute in its masculine form, and מריבה is a dispute in a feminine form. A feminine dispute means that it bears fruit, or, in other words, a dispute that grows. More people become involved, and the division widens. Avram told Lot, "Let's stop the dispute now when it is still a ריב, because if it becomes a מריבה, and develops into a great machlokes.
The Alshich writes, "Chazal (Sanhedrin 7.) say, 'A dispute is like a trickle of water. After it widens, it gets greater and greater.' The nature of a dispute is to begin small, but eventually, it grows, and more people become involved in the machlokes. It seems that Avram said, 'Until now, the fight is solely between the shepherds, and even between them, it isn't a מריבה, feminine, giving birth and growing. It is only a ריב, masculine. Therefore, let us be cautious that this ריב doesn't become a מריבה and extend ביני ובינך, between us as well. It isn't proper that we should fight, for two reasons: One is that a machlokes is only befitting low simple people, not people of esteem and importance. Furthermore, brothers shouldn't fight. The pasuk alludes to these two reasons. First, we are אנשים, which means important people, and furthermore, we are אחים, brothers. "We should learn from the Canaanites and the Perizzites, who aren't brothers, rather two countries, and yet they live with achdus, unity, as it states יושב בארץ, in singular tense, and it doesn't state יושבים (in plural)."
מריבה is the same word as ריב; only it has two more letters, the letters ה"מ. It states (Iyov 40:7) תולה ארץ על בלימה, "He suspends the earth on nothing." The Gemara (Chulin 89.) says that בלימה means silence, such as בולם פיו. The pasuk is saying, "The world exists in the merit of those who close their mouths and don't respond when there is machlokes." We can read בלי ה"מ that the pasuk is saying that the world exists on those who take the ה"מ out of מריבה and are cautious to halt disputes before they get out of hand.
Life is Short
Life is short. Isn't it a shame to waste it arguing? For the wise, this should be enough incentive to avoid machlokes. The Gemara (Chulin 58:) says that the baka bug lives no longer than one day. The Gemara asks from that which people say that there was a baka couple that fought for seven years. The Gemara replies, בשני דידהו, "in their years." For the baka’s short lifespan, it was like they were separated for seven years. Reb Yankele Galinsky zt'l repeated this Gemara and expressed what we would certainly want to tell the Baka couple. "You are alive for only one day. Why fight? Just enjoy the short life that was given to you." But we then realize that the same question can be asked of people who engage in machlokes. Life is short. Is it really so important to fight in this short time?
A man was crying bitterly at a levayah. After the levayah, people approached him and asked, "Are you related to the niftar?" "No." "Oh, so you are a friend." "No. I never knew him." "So why are you crying so much?" "I came from Eretz Yisrael to collect money. I raised a large sum, but the money was stolen last night. I needed to cry but couldn’t do that in public, so I came to a levayah where I can cry and shout." The idea is that when someone begins to shout or starts a fight with you, it is likely not about you. Something is going on in his life that he is upset about, and he is looking for a place where he can let out some of his frustrations. It is foolish to answer back. Isn't it enough that he is suffering? Why cause him more distress? Let us use our common sense to utilize the value of our limited time in this world and live in peace and tranquility.
Tefillah
And, as for all matters of life, tefillah is of utmost importance. We should daven that we be spared from machlokes. It states (Bamidbar 26:11) ובני קרח לא מתו, "Korach's children didn’t die." Rebbe Mendel of Riminov zt'l explains that the בני קרח means Korach's students. Korach has many students, and they are still very alive. They are the people who stir up machlokes and discord. They learned and inherited from Korach the machlokes lifestyle. Rebbe Mendel Riminover adds that prayer is the only way to be saved from machlokes.
At the end of the kaddish, there are two lines requesting peace. One is יהא שלמא רבא... and then we ask עושה שלום במרומיו, etc. The Aruch HaShulchan (Orach Chaim 56:8) explains, "Peace is one of the pillars of the world. Therefore, at the end of the tefillah, before people go out to the world, we pray that there should be peace among us. Then we add עושה שלום במרומיו, that if chalilah a machlokes does break out, Hashem should help us make peace."