Thank you so much for an outstanding shiur on not being a victim and the Mishpacha article you referred to. I totally agree that playing the victim isn’t helpful to anyone, and that each person should see what he or she can do to improve their marriage.
That said, can you give some practical ideas on how spouses who are emotionally disconnected can somehow build a closer relationship? I am way past victimhood or vindictiveness in my marriage. I’m totally at peace with how Hashem orchestrated my marriage and my life. I know that in theory, when one spouse reaches out, the other should respond appropriately, and that’s your position, the idealistic one. I just feel that the realistic position that you object to in the article in Mishpacha speaks to me in a way that your ideas don’t. The article addresses what happens in a sad, dysfunctional marriage, where one spouse just loses all interest after years of disconnect. I don’t feel it’s helpful to tell a person in such a situation, “Just stop being a victim.” It’s like telling a depressed person to just stop being depressed.
I wish I’d read that article years ago, as it would have spared me so much heartache. While bad behavior is always bad, I don’t understand why you’re shooting the mailman. Why would a wife show such an article to her husband in the first place? Why shouldn’t she feel validated after years of trying and not seeing anything improve? Do you really think people can just shut their eyes to years of pain and move on with no reference to so many hurtful things that have happened?
(P.S. Was it my husband who asked the question about the article? It would be a weird coincidence if it wasn’t.)
Response
It actually wasn’t your husband who wrote to me about the article published in Mishpacha magazine. Many people did write, however, which just made me more convinced than I already was that such articles cause more harm than good.
The article was about a woman who claimed, after years of marriage, to be unable to forgive her husband for many things that had happened (or failed to happen) over the years, to the point that she feels no emotional connection with him. She was then validated in her position by the writer of the column who agreed that in such cases, the husband should not expect his wife to be able to move past the past.
You write that you would have been better off having read this article earlier. I really can’t understand what you would have gained. An article promoting the weaponization of pain is extremely problematic. I hope so very much that people who want help find advice that improves their relationships and doesn’t drag them into despair and worse.
Being in such a situation is incredibly painful and I truly feel for anyone who feels burned out and exhausted after investing in a relationship for so many years with very little or nothing to show for it. Yes, telling someone to not feel burned out is as ridiculous as telling someone not to be depressed. People feel what they feel, and still their feelings cannot serve to justify wrong behavior (as you write: wrong is wrong). Advice that gives a stamp of approval to cold-heartedness and tells a person to give up and distance themselves is advice that helps no one.
Going back to your own example of depression, imagine a depressed wife telling her husband, “You have to work extra hard to earn my loyalty and devotion, because I’m depressed.” As Torah Yidden, we are expected to overcome any difficulties we have (no matter how justified) and behave correctly. It’s hard to change how you feel, but feeling like a victim isn’t an excuse for not investing in your marriage.
When someone asks for advice about a marriage that is going through a rocky period, it’s wrong to label one spouse the victim and the other, the perpetrator. Life is rarely as simple as that, and therapists who simple-mindedly accept one spouse’s assessment as an accurate picture of the situation are not doing anyone any favors. Additionally, it’s actually quite common for the more problematic spouse to pinpoint the other as the perpetrator, because their vision is more clouded and they are more likely to engage in the blame-game. Just because the other spouse refuses to be dragged into the argument over who is more guilty doesn’t mean that they are the one making the problems. It could be (and often is) the other way around, as they are the one who wants to keep investing rather than acting like a prosecutor, judge, and jury rolled into one.
To avoid this dynamic, when meeting a husband seeking help I simply focus on the person in front of me and tell them what they can do rather than mirroring back all the things their spouse is supposedly doing wrong. I’ve yet to come across a case where the person looking for help doesn’t have options they can try — that is, if people are willing to put in the work.
To clarify: I’m not denying your suffering. The main question now is whether you are willing to try and set aside that suffering and move forward, after what sounds like years of having adopted the suffering as part of your identity, hiding behind it, and using it as a crutch.
It’s a tremendous shame when people become one with their justified victimhood and refuse to consider new approaches toward a better future, all because of the weight of baggage that they won’t release. I don’t want it to sound like I am making light of the challenge of dropping baggage. It’s incredibly hard to do. People don’t generally make a conscious choice to become a victim as their core identity. But once they have slipped into such a mode, it can feel like stripping off armor to leave the baggage behind.
It might mean finding new methods of communication that you haven’t tried. It will mean dropping all use of statements that include, “You always...” or “Yet again you’re...” or “Why can’t you ever...” It also, critically, means being humble enough to turn it around on yourself and ask what you have perhaps “always” or “never” been doing that has contributed to where you are right now. Without that humility, you won’t be able to forgive and turn the page.
No matter how right you are, it’s a waste to not acknowledge how much happiness you can create in your life, despite the challenges, if you just dare to say (even to yourself!): “Until now, we both made mistakes. It’s been terrible and I feel so awful about it. Let’s start again.” You don’t even need to wait for your husband to share the responsibility. You can do this on your own.
As I noted, I’ve yet to come across a marriage where literally nothing can be done to improve things. What’s stopping people from doing just one, small thing differently? Only their thoughts, their beliefs, and their fears about who they will be without the huge suitcase of pain they are lugging around with them.
