Thank you very much for an amazing article on not blaming a spouse for your own unhappiness. It resonated so much with me, and you really opened my eyes to the fact that my husband may be as unhappy as I am, though he’s suffering in a different way.
However, my situation goes beyond what you were discussing. When I got married, I was determined to make my marriage work and help my husband shine. His middos were so terrible at the beginning, to the point that I thought he had a psychological disorder (it appears not, but he had serious childhood issues).
Hashem blessed me with the ability to bear this challenge and gave me the wisdom to work with it, and in fact both of us worked so hard, for the past few decades, and we moved mountains.
My husband came to accept my openness to the world while I helped him resolve his emotional issues, and we both worked with affection, tolerance, respect, unconditional love, patience, humor... to the point that anyone looking from the outside would never realize how much I’m still hurting inside.
My husband is today a respected person, totally transformed from the person he once was — people saw him as very problematic and never believed he’d make a success of marriage and fatherhood. He also adores me and would do anything to please me. I’m not saying that to promote myself, but just to show how hard I’ve tried to make things work.
In theory, I should have the happiest marriage but I feel miserable. The huge lack of physical attraction and emotional connection is pushing me further and further away from him. I know I am very difficult to please — but only where my husband is concerned. My biggest heartache comes from the fact that I could be so satisfied by another man with just a bit more compatibility.
Please don’t judge me for this. I have kept my marriage kosher but my husband’s behavior and in fact his whole being pushes me to observe other men and the way they behave. We’ve discussed this so many times but nothing works on my side, while he only loves me more (and I see him as nothing more than a friend). He just doesn’t know how to love me.
The frustration is huge and nothing further can be done about it. The connection is not broken, it’s simply not there. I utterly hate everything he does and says when it comes to personal matters. It’s not his fault, I just find his personality totally incompatible with mine. The more he tries, the more I get irritated because what I need from him is not him. I can’t force him to be someone he is not. Firstly because this is ethically wrong and secondly because it just won’t work.
If I didn’t have children, I would have divorced him but I want to put my children’s needs first. I hope I will be able to resist and hold on to life until 120.
Anyway, I do want to stress that I’m sure your ideas will help hundreds of couples with more superficial issues. Thank you.
Response
This is a painful situation, and I really feel for you. I also feel the pain of the many people who reach out to me with other serious problems, where they feel so very stuck in their lives, certain that while for others, there is advice that can help, for them, there is just no solution.
This is a very normal response to being presented with a general set of suggestions and ideas. Often, unless advice is tailor-made for you, it may feel alien and impossible to implement. Even people who give effective advice to others may feel that for them, “nothing works.” Often, they give up and don’t even try, simply dismissing the suggestions of well-meaning people and feeling that, “They just don’t get it.”
Maybe they don’t. We can’t ever really “get” anyone. If only we could “get” ourselves.
The million-dollar question is then whether we should give up, when perfection is out of reach. That sounds like an extreme way to present the dilemma, but as I mentioned earlier, I have yet to encounter a situation that couldn’t be improved at all. So, is an improvement of one percent not worth anything? You already decided that you’re not going to seek a divorce, so what do you have to lose by doing what you can to make your load just a little lighter?
You write that you are very difficult to please. It’s commendable that you recognize that in yourself. Using that level of honesty, try to find even just one small thing that your husband could do to make you a little bit happier. It might be just a drop in the ocean compared to what you need or want. But it is still a drop. It’s not nothing.
I would also really urge you to take the word “divorce” out of your lexicon. It’s not doing you any favors. If you really do want a divorce, go ahead. It’s not forbidden — in fact, the Torah introduced the concept. But if you don’t want a divorce, erase the word and move on.
Moving on means acceptance, which you seem to realize. Accepting reality is always the first step, especially in a life of emunah, where fighting reality is essentially fighting Hashem’s plan. But it’s a huge step to take, and while many people convince themselves that they have accepted their lot in life, all they really did was give up on improvement (while they continue to simmer with resentment).
Parents of a special-needs child sometimes master acceptance, recognizing the limitations of the child, not necessarily being happy about them, and yet setting that feeling aside in order to focus on the blessings (as well as what can be done in a healthy way). That can be harder to achieve when the limitations aren’t as easy to comprehend, and when, at the back of our minds, we still think, “If he really wanted to” or “If I could only get through to him,” things would change.
It's not so simple. We can’t make anyone else change. We can only change ourselves and ask, kindly and gently and respectfully, for other people to do small things that are feasible for them. But changing ourselves can affect the whole picture, so much more than we realize.
