Avraham and Lot: What was their dispute and why They Had to Part Ways?

וַיְהִי רִיב בֵּין רֹעֵי מִקְנֵה אַבְרָם וּבֵין רֹעֵי מִקְנֵה לוֹט וְהַכְּנַעֲנִי וְהַפְּרִזִּי אָז יֹשֵׁב בָּאָרֶץ: וַיֹּאמֶר אַבְרָם אֶל לוֹט אַל נָא תְהִי מְרִיבָה בֵּינִי וּבֵינֶיךָ וּבֵין רֹעַי וּבֵין רֹעֶיךָ כִּי אֲנָשִׁים אַחִים אֲנָחְנוּ: (יג ז-ח)

"And there was a quarrel between the herdsmen of Avrom's cattle and the herdsmen of Lot's cattle, and the Canaani and the Perizzi were then dwelling in the land. And Avrom said to Lot: Please let there be no conflict between me and you, and between my herdsmen and your herdsmen, for we are brothers." (Bereishis 13:7–9)

These Psukim raise many questions: 1. The Torah says the quarrel was between the herdsmen. Why then does Avrom say, "let there be no strife between me and you," as if the quarrel were between him and Lot? 2. If the herdsmen were already quarrelling, why does Avrom add "and between my herdsmen and your herdsmen"? That fight had already started. 3. Why does the Torah need to tell us, in the middle of this story, that "the Canaani and the Perizzi were then dwelling in the land"? 4. What does "for we are brothers" have to do with stopping a quarrel?

To answer them, we have to go back to the beginning of Avraham and Lot's journey together: One Posuk says, "And Avrom went as Hashem had spoken to him, and Lot went with him" (12:4). That implies Lot went on his own. But the very next Posuk says, "And Avrom took Sarai his wife and Lot his brother's son" (12:5), implying that Avraham took him.

When they left Egypt, it says Pharaoh sent away "him, and his wife, and all that he had" (12:20). Lot is not mentioned. But in the next Posuk it says, "And Avrom went up from Egypt, he and his wife and all that he had, and Lot with him" (13:1). Lot went up too, even though Pharaoh had not sent him. Avraham knew very well who Lot was, and at first he did not want to take him along. But Lot was inspired. He decided he wanted to become a better person, and so "Lot went with him," on his own initiative. Avraham brought everyone close, and when he saw that Lot sincerely wanted it, "Avrom took… Lot": he agreed to take him along. That answers the first puzzle. Then they came down to Egypt, Avraham wanted to protect Lot and make sure he would not want to stay there. So, for the sake of peace, Avraham told Lot that Pharaoh was sending all of them away, Lot included, since "all that he had" could be read as including Lot. But the truth was as the Posuk says: "all that he had, and Lot." Lot was not really part of "all that he had"; Pharaoh never sent him. Avraham simply wanted to get him out of Egypt. That answers the second puzzle.

Avraham succeeded in taking Lot out of impure Egypt. But they then arrived in a land where "the Canaani and the Perizzi were dwelling," another source of impurity, just like Egypt. Here too the yetzer hara began its work. At first only the herdsmen quarrelled, and the Torah tells us why: because the Canaani and the Perizzi were in the land. Their influence was already being felt. That answers the third question.

Now Avraham's words to Lot. The heilige Shelah explains that there is a difference between riv and merivah. A riv is a small dispute; a merivah is a great one. So far there was only a small dispute between the herdsmen. But Avraham knew that a small dispute flares up into a fire that no one can put out. That is why he spoke in the future tense: "Please let there be no merivah." That this small quarrel among the herdsmen could grow into a great quarrel between us, and between all our people. He was not describing what had already happened, but what could happen if it wasn't stopped. That answers the first two questions.

Avraham's reason, "for we are anashim achim," carries two messages. First, the word anashim in the Torah means people of importance (Rashi, Bamidbar 13:3). If simple herdsmen quarrel, people understand. But if Avraham and Lot, people of stature, were to quarrel, it would be a chillul Hashem. This was especially true of Avraham, whose whole mission was to spread emunah in the world. To do that he had to be a lover and pursuer of peace, because "the words of the wise are heard when spoken gently" (Koheles 9:17). Only gentle words reach people's hearts. If the master of peace was seen fighting, it would undo everything he was building. Second, Avraham saw that Lot was slipping away, and that he needed to give him Mussar. But the mitzvah of Mussar goes only so far: until the point where the other person would come to a fight. When Avraham saw the herdsmen quarrelling, he understood that the fight could soon spread to the two of them. They were brothers, and he had reached the limit of what rebuke could achieve without bringing real conflict between them. So Avraham said: "Is not the whole land before you? Please separate from me." Better to part ways in peace than to remain together in strife. And indeed, "Lot lifted up his eyes and saw" the plain of Sedom (13:10). Chazal say he lifted his eyes in order to sin. Lot chose his own path. Avraham had done everything he could, and wasn't obligated to do more.

A lesson for us: Every big quarrel starts as a small one. Avraham teaches us to stop a riv before it becomes a merivah. A person who represents Torah has to guard the peace even more carefully, because others learn from how he behaves. And sometimes the wisest way to keep the peace is to step back, and not to win the argument. (Yehuda Z. Klitnick)