However, in order to have shalom bayis, one must “break his middos.” One must learn how to give in and put aside his own wants for the sake of his spouse.
A parable is related of a deer running in the forest. Suddenly, its horns get stuck in a bush and it can’t untangle itself. The deer begins to ponder how it can escape from its predicament, and it concludes that it must uproot the entire forest so that it can run around with no fear of ever getting stuck again.
Thus, it begins to bang as hard as it can with its hooves, with the intent of knocking down all the trees. Another animal then appears and tells it, “You’re wasting your energy. You could bang for the rest of your life, but you’ll never be able to knock down the entire forest. However, there is one thing you can do. Knock out your own horns, and then you will never get stuck again.”
So too, if a person works on his own middos, he will be able to live in peace. But if he never works on himself and always tries to knock others down, he can “bang” for his entire life and he won’t accomplish anything.
When the Chofetz Chaim zt”l was advanced in age, he married his second wife. That year on Sukkos, he built his sukkah in a quiet corner of his yard, where he had always made it for many years. When he was finished, his new Rebbitzen came out and said that, in her opinion, this wasn’t the best place for the sukkah. She said that she thought it would be better for it to be in the other corner.
The Chofetz Chaim didn’t argue. Instead, he immediately took down the sukkah and dragged the boards to the place she suggested. He then rebuilt it in that spot.
Once the sukkah was standing in its new place, the Rebbitzen looked at it again and said, “I changed my mind. You were right. The place you built it first was better.”
Again, the Chofetz Chaim didn’t say a word. He took apart the sukkah again, dragged the boards back to the original spot, and rebuilt it in the place he always had made it.
Every second of the Chofetz Chaim’s time was very precious. He could have used that time to learn and serve Hashem. Still and all, he gave in for shalom bayis. We can all strive to emulate him by being mevater and patient and, in this merit, we will have exceptional shalom bayis.
