The pasuk says that on his way down to Mitzrayim, Avram realized that Sora was a beautiful woman. He was afraid that she would be desirable as a wife in Mitzrayim, and that he would be killed so that Sora could be taken as someone else’s wife. As we know, Avram said, “...Please say that you are my sister, that it may go well with me for your sake, and that I may live on account of you....” (Bereshis 12:13).
Rashi says on the words “so that it will be good for me” – this means that I will be given presents. Why Avram Avinu would be so interested in presents is itself a question, but a more pressing question is why Avram indeed accepted these presents from the Egyptians and, in fact, became a wealthy man because of them. Yet, shortly thereafter in the parsha, when Avram Avinu saved Lot, and the King of Sodom offered him the spoils of war, Avram refused to take them. “... I have raised my hand to Hashem, G-d, the Most High, Maker of heaven and earth, if so much as a thread or a shoelace, or if I shall take from anything that is yours! So you shall not say ‘It is I who made Avram rich'” (Bereshis 14: 22-23). If Avram was worried about people saying that the King of Sodom made him rich, why wasn’t he worried about people saying that the King of Mitzrayim made him rich? If Avram took into account the teaching of Shlomo Hamelech “...and the one who despises presents will live” (Mishlei 15:27) regarding Melech Sodom, why did Avram have such a sudden change of heart from his earlier ready acceptance of gifts?
There is an interesting Medrash that explains this contradiction and teaches a very important lesson. On the pasuk, “And he proceeded on his journeys...” (Bereshis 13:3), the Medrash Tanchuma notes that when Avram returned from Mitzrayim back to Eretz Canaan, he went to all the places that he visited on the way down to Mitzrayim, in order to pay his bills. Apparently, on the way down to Mitzrayim, Avram did not have money and he needed to borrow money to pay for his lodging and expenses. It was only on the way back from Mitzrayim that Avram had money to repay the debts that he had accumulated on the trip to Mitzrayim.
We derive two important lessons from this Medrash:
- When people lend you money, pay them back. This may seem like an obvious statement, but unfortunately, this is not always done.
- Do not be a tzadik on someone else’s account. This means that it is fine to be righteous and have personal chumras (stringencies) and hidurim (ritual beautifications) if these chumras and hidurim only effect you. But if someone wants to practice exceptionally righteous religious behavior (for example, refusing to accept gifts because Shlomo Hamelech taught “the one who hates presents will live,”) then he had better be certain that his personal piety is not causing the people to whom he is in debt to go unpaid. A person’s fiscal responsibilities come first. Chumras and hidurim can only be built upon that baseline of integrity.
Avram in Mitzrayim had to tell Sarah “...in order that it will be good for me for your sake...”. He was in debt at the time and he did not have the luxury of being concerned that people would be able to claim “It is because of me that Avram became rich.” Later on in the parsha, Avram had prospered. By then he was “heavy with cattle, with silver and with gold.” (Bereshis 13:2). By the time Avram went out to do battle for the King of Sodom, he was a wealthy man. Aha! A wealthy man has the ability and the luxury to be able to say “One who hates presents, he will live.”
I can give a couple of examples of this principle of “Don’t be a tzadik on someone else’s cheshbon“:
Rav Dovid Kronglas, zt”l, (1908-1972), the Mashgiach of Yeshivas Ner Israel, had a “chumrah” in shechitah, such that he did not eat beef. He thus had chicken for supper virtually every night. (There are fewer halachic issues with the ritual slaughter of birds than with animals). However, this is not a stringency that he imposed on his wife and children. His family ate meat. He was not going to restrict the members of his family from meatballs, hamburgers, roast, or steak because he accepted certain halachic stringencies upon himself.
Another example of not imposing personal chumras on others is evident in a story told by the Tolner Rebbe. A young Kollel student came to Rav Schach, zt”l, and complained to him that his Rosh Kollel told him that he should not learn so late at night. Rav Schach told the young student to have his Rosh Kollel come see him. The Rosh Kollel came to visit Rav Schach, who asked him about the instructions he gave to his young Kollel student. The Rosh Kollel said, “This young man has recently been looking unhappy, worried, and perturbed about something. I asked him what was wrong. He explained that his wife got a new job, for which she needs to leave the house very early. She needs to get up even earlier to make the children’s lunches and get them off to school. She is not getting enough sleep because she needs to get up so early. She is therefore not in a very good mood, and it is affecting their shalom bayis (marital harmony).
The Rosh Kollel asked his student, “So why don’t you get up early and help make the lunches and get the children off to school?” The student gave as an excuse the fact that he stayed up learning late at night. The Rosh Kollel advised him: Don’t learn so late at night, go to sleep earlier, and get up earlier so you can help your wife make the lunches and get the children off to school. That was “the story behind the story.”
Rav Schach then called the young man back in and told him “Your Rosh Kollel is 100% correct. If you want to learn late at night, that is all fine and good. But if that negatively affects your wife, you cannot do that. You are a baal chov (in debt) to her. When you gave your wife her kesuvah, you pledged to support her in the custom of all Jewish men. She is supporting you! For that, she gets a great blessing. But you owe her. You can’t be a tzadik on her cheshbon. If you are learning so late that it prevents you from getting up early to help your wife, then don’t stay up so late! You have a primary obligation, and that primary obligation is to help your wife.
