Question: The widespread minhag in Chutz La’aretz is that at the time of the shidduch they don’t promise to buy an apartment, rather they promise a certain amount of money that they will give every month over a certain period of time. If the chosson continues learning for more than 10 years after the chasunah, then the parents will decide if they want to buy an apartment.
In light of this, if Bnei Eretz Yisrael who come collecting in Chutz La’aretz for ‘hachnosas kallah’ would say the truth and say that they are collecting money to be able to buy an apartment for the young couple then the donor won’t be prepared to donate. The question is, if in terms of Choshen Mishpot one is allowed to say he is collecting for the chasunah without mentioning that the money is going towards buying an apartment, or if perhaps hiding this fact is considered stealing from the donor? [This isn’t a question of Hilchos Tzedokah, as we already mentioned from the Shevet HaLevi and Minchas Yitzchak that buying an apartment may may be considered די מחסורו, if this is the only way to make the shidduch, the question is just in terms of Choshen Mishpot.]
Answer: I heard in the name of R’ Chaim Aharon Monderer shlita that it is forbidden to lie in this case. The question now is: If one knows that the donor certainly wouldn’t give any money if he knew the money was going towards an apartment, is there gezel [theft] involved as well? In many cases, bedieved it could be that the donor would be happy, therefore, it may not be stealing. The solution for this and to avoid lying is to say, “I am collecting for all the expenses involved in the chasunah” and if the donor doesn’t ask specifically what the money is for, one doesn’t need to tell him.
Although, I have heard in the name of other gedolei hora’ah that one is allowed to lie, as the donor is happy to donate towards hachnosas kallah, just he thinks that a shidduch can be made without promising an apartment. The reality is however, that for this chosson it can’t, the proof being that the father is traveling all the way to a foreign land to ask for donations, therefore it is in fact hachnosas kallah, therefore, it is not lying and is certainly not gezel.
