The Rambam writes (Hilchos Ishus 15:19) that if one has money, it is understood that he should provide a lot for his wife. But what should one do if he is poor and has no money to give to his wife? The solution is to honor her with words. This is as we find regarding Rav Akiva. In the beginning of his marriage, he was very impoverished. His wife was the daughter of a very wealthy man, and he saw that it was hard for her to live in poverty. He told her, “If I had money, I would buy you a fancy piece of jewelry shaped like Yerushalaim (Nedarim 50A).”
This leads to a question. If Rav Akiva had no money, why was he saying that he would do something that he couldn’t possibly do? The answer is that he was using his words to make her feel good. We learn from this that one can fulfill his obligation to honor his wife through nice words.
Accordingly, everyone should honor his wife through compliments and kind words. For example, one should compliment his wife’s cooking and tell her how tasty it is. It is related that the Chofetz Chaim zt”l once participated in a seudah and loudly exclaimed that the food was delicious. The other attendees were surprised that such a tzadik cared so much about the taste of his food. They later found out that his intention was to make the woman of the house feel good. He knew that she worked hard to prepare the meal, and everyone greatly appreciates being complimented for something they worked hard for.
It is also related that there once was a village woman who used to cook for all the workers in her husband’s fields. One day, she brought the pot of food and placed it in front of the workers, as she usually did, and each of them took his portion. To their great astonishment, they saw that she had brought nothing but boiled straw.
The workers asked the woman for an explanation, and she replied, “For 10 years now I have been working hard to cook for you dishes that will taste and even look good, but I have never heard any of you say that you enjoyed the food. Not one of you ever complimented it. I thought that you must not even taste what you are eating, so you wouldn’t mind eating boiled straw.”
The concept of using words to honor a person is found in the Gemara (Yevamos 65B) that states: “It was learned before Rav Yishmoel: Shalom is great because even Hashem altered the truth for it, as is stated (Bereishis 18:12): ‘And Sarah laughed within her saying... and my master is old.’ It then says (ibid:13): ‘And Hashem said to Avrohom: Why did Sarah laugh and say... and I am old.’”
Sarah actually said that Avrohom was old but when Hashem repeated her words to him, He told him that she had said that she was old. He changed her words for the purpose of shalom.
I saw an amazing story on this topic. There once was a young man who was engaged to be married who learned the Mishnah (Avos 1:5) that says: “Do not engage in excess conversation with a woman. This refers to one’s own wife, and certainly one shouldn’t do so with his friend’s wife.”
In his simplicity, he understood this to mean that he should only speak to his wife when it was absolutely necessary. After his wedding, he began to act this way. Even when he had to tell his wife something, he tried to express himself with hand gestures and facial expressions so as not to speak to her.
At the end of the seven days of Sheva Brachos, his wife told her father how her husband acted. The father was very upset about this and he built up the courage to go and ask Rav Yehoshua Leib Diskin zt”l what to do. (It is known that when one knocked on Rav Yehoshua Leib’s door, he started to tremble in awe from his greatness.) When the Rov heard the father’s words, he told him to send the young man to him.
The young man knocked on the door in great terror and the shamash escorted him into the room where the Rov was sitting and learning. The Rov raised his eyes to see who was entering and continued his studies.
The young man remained standing in his place - and he stood like that for two hours. Then, the Rov stopped his learning, and, without paying attention to the young man, he called for the Rebbitzen to come to him. The Rebbitzen came out of the kitchen and entered the Rov’s room, and he said to her, “Please sit down and tell me what you did this morning.”
The Rebbitzen related that she went to the market. He asked her, “And what did you buy in the market?”
The Rebbetzin told him what she bought, and the Rov asked, “Tell me, what are you cooking for lunch today?”
The Rebbetzin told him what she was in the middle of cooking. The Rov then thanked her and she returned to her work. The Rov then motioned to the young man that he could leave.
Years later, the young man related that he had learned two things at that time. 1. He learned how bad a person feels when no one talks to him or pays attention to him. 2. He learned that even Rav Yehoshua Leib Diskin, whose devotion to Torah and yiras shomayim was beyond description, would talk to his Rebbetzin about simple things like her daily routine.
