Humor

Heshy and the Penguin named Cholent

Old Heshy Himmelman was getting a little lonely living by himself after his wife passed away, so he decided to buy himself a pet. Heshy was always a little different, and apparently so was his choice in pets. He got himself a penguin. He named him Cholent.

Soon after he got Cholent the penguin, Heshy was driving in town one day with Cholent sitting on the front seat next to him.

A policeman notices Cholent in the car and motions for Heshy to pull over.

The officer says, "What are you doing with that penguin?"

Heshy replies, "We are just going for an afternoon drive."

The officer says, "I want you to take that penguin to the zoo right away, or you will be in big trouble."

Heshy replies, "No problem, I can do that," and the policeman lets them go on their way. Two days later, Heshy and Cholent are going for a drive again with Cholent sitting in the front seat. This time the penguin has on dark sunglasses. When they pass through town, the same policeman spots Cholent in the car. He furiously motions for Heshy to pull over. As soon as the car stops, he marches right up to Heshy and demands, "You are the same guy I saw two days ago with a penguin. What are you trying to do now? Don't you think that I can still recognize a penguin even if it has sunglasses on? I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo right away?" Heshy replies, "Yes, officer, you did. I took him to the zoo yesterday. We had so much fun at the zoo that today I thought we would go to the beach!"

Hold Your Horses

At the Israeli race track near Afula, a group of horses are talking. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!" says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice "Moishe" the greyhound dog who has been sitting and listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

Hot and Cold

Old Herman Epstein was continually bothering the waiter at the Miami Kosher Grill; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why they didn't just throw out the pest.

"Oh, I don't care about old Herman," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

I’m a Zadie!

Mendy and Mushkie were Chabad emissaries in Okinawa, Japan, and they were expecting their first baby. When the good news came, they called their parents immediately. Mendy’s father Avraham went to shul that morning with a broad smile on his face.

"I get a mazal tov!" Avraham declared. "I’m a Zadie! Baby boy weighs eight pounds!"

"Mazal tov! When was he born?" someone asked.

Recalling the date Avraham’s son told him, he stopped and looked at the calendar on his phone and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!"