Question: You mentioned in a previous column that to build a connection with our teenage children we should show interest in what interests them. I have been doing what you said. However, when I try and talk about ideas in Torah, things that interest me, my son just spaces out and doesn’t pay attention. I feel that if I am making the effort to be interested in his stuff, he should at least, out of respect, try and be interested in what I talk about. Do you think I should tell him?
Answer: The column you referenced discussed a situation wherein a parent was looking for ways to bridge the distance he felt with his teenage child. It was explained that teenagers are at an age where they are beginning to form opinions and are exploring new interests. When a parent shows interest in their child, the child feels respected and valued and the potential for closeness is created.
A parent must have an eye to the future. Expectations of quick gains with teenage children are a recipe for disappointment. While the short road looks tempting it is more often the “long but shorter road” which sees positive results.
In other words, while it is possible for change to happen fast, it usually takes time, and requires investment and patience. Growth is a process. As parents we are sowing seeds, knowing that the future will yield fruit.
When the parent wants their child to change because it is good for the parent, the relationship becomes a battle of wills - the parent versus the child. However, when the parent’s focus is on the good of the child, the situation becomes less personal; it is easier for the parent to remain calm and regulated. The child senses the difference, he feels the genuine care of the parent, and space is created for a real connection to take root.
Consider taking a dual approach. On the one hand, don’t give up, but continue to speak with your child. Your child may not seem like he is listening, but your words do seep in. Try and speak with stories and analogies that have the potential to arouse his interest.
At the same time, connect with your child where he is holding. Show interest in what interests him. You cannot change him, but by creating an environment where he feels accepted and supported, there is the potential for positive growth.
Let go of the pressure and expectation that he will now listen to you as you listen to him. Just enjoy spending time with your teenage child. The better the connection, the better things will be.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling, [email protected]
