Question: I'm in my mid-30s, married, and a father of two boys and two girls. I’ve always excelled at whatever I do. Recently, I overheard two co-workers saying I have a huge ego and think I am better than everyone. It stung. I shared what happened with my wife. She was kind, but ultimately agreed with their assessment. That was hard to hear—but I now realize they’re right. I want to change. I just don’t know where to begin.
Answer: There’s a story shared by Rabbi Yossi Paltiel, a mashpia in Crown Heights, that might resonate with you. A yeshiva student—brilliant and accomplished—was far ahead of his peers in learning. But his friends often gave him a hard time, accusing him of being arrogant. Troubled by their remarks, he sought guidance from the Lubavitcher Rebbe in a private audience (yechidut). He admitted he had come to recognize the truth in their criticism and asked the Rebbe how he could change. The Rebbe’s response was unexpected and powerful: “Be as great as you think you are.”
Sometimes we try to fix ourselves by avoiding negative traits—anger, indulgence, gossip. But at other times, the more effective path is to focus on doing good, on bringing light—because light automatically dispels darkness.
In a letter advising someone how to overcome their arrogance the Rebbe explained: Try to nullify it by removing it completely from your mind to the point of not even thinking about how to correct the problem. When you begin to think about your abilities and talents, think about something else. It would be good to think about the greatness of Hashem. Give tzedakah daily before davening, and afterward, say Tehillim according to the day of the month. This will help you in applying the first step. If possible, learn Derech Chaim by the Mitteler Rebbe.
Therefore, consider the following: 1. Stop fixating on your talents; just be the best you can be. 2. When unwanted thoughts enter, focus on the greatness of Hashem; 3. Channel more of your energy into tzedakah, Tehillim, and learning Chassidus—which brings deep clarity and humility.
Yes, you can be as great as you think you are—but with the kind of greatness that lifts others, not overshadows them.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling: www.aharonschmidt.com.
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