Sometimes, people recognize that there’s a tradeoff and accept the way things are. If a couple depends on financial support from their parents, for instance, they may accept that they have to swallow their feelings at times and put up with things that are unpleasant.
In this particular situation that you describe, however, you seem to have come to the correct conclusion that the damage being done to the way your children perceive you and your wife is so great, that it’s not worth the price.
The question then becomes, as you write, how to express yourself in the best possible way.
The first thing to do in any situation where you have to say something that the other person will be upset by, is to stress the positive — how much you love visiting and spending time with your mother-in-law, how much you and your wife and the children gain from the relationship, and how much you respect her opinions. You can clarify that you have no doubt that whenever she expresses her opinions, she only has your welfare and the welfare of her grandchildren at heart.
One of my favorite communication rules is avoiding the word “but,” which tends to delete much of what was just said. So, without any “but,” you can continue and clarify that as much as you would love to continue visiting often and gain so much from the visits, if she continues to criticize your parenting in front of the children, you feel that you won’t be able to spend much time there anymore.
Repeat how much it will upset you to have to take such a course of action, and that you simply don’t feel you have another option.
It’s possible that this will help, and your mother-in-law will begin to make the necessary changes. If she does, show your appreciation and express how much it means to you. Tell her you understand that it’s definitely a challenge for her not to intervene when she sees you doing things differently from how she believes they should be done.
In some cases, given enough appreciation and positive reinforcement, people will continue to improve until the problem fades away. If that happens, you can certainly overlook the occasional lapse as long as she realizes that she slipped up and doesn’t do it again. A murmured, “Please can we not say this in front of the children?” might be enough to remind her, if real changes have been made. If things improve, that’s wonderful.
If you have to stop visiting your in-laws, as unfortunate as it is, it doesn’t mean that the relationship is over. You can still maintain contact and keep things positive in areas that are unaffected by your differing opinions on how to raise your children.
I often counsel young couples to ask their parents for advice throughout their married lives. Even if you may not feel you need it, and even if you don’t end up taking the advice (as long as the parents won’t find out), there’s no reason not to give them the good feeling that you value their opinions. There’s usually no reason for any married child to give their parents the message: “I’m married now, and I’m going to do things my way.” Children should always express appreciation to their parents for their upbringing and all of the time, effort, and wisdom that was invested in their chinuch.
You mentioned possibly sending my reply to your mother-in-law to read. Although your mother-in-law should take your concerns seriously and do her best to stop criticizing you in front of your children, confronting her with this message is unlikely to help. As I always stress, people can only do what they can do — they can’t control other people’s responses. It would be wonderful if she sought out advice on this issue and accepted the need to change, but no one can force another person to change or take guidance.
I understand from what you wrote that you and your wife are on the same page in this situation, and that’s something to be very grateful for. In general, if spouses are on the same page, then even if their viewpoint and behavior aren’t the most ideal, things will still work out.
I like reminding people to make sure one problem doesn’t spill over into another one. A chinuch problem shouldn’t become a shalom bayis problem, and mother-in-law problems shouldn’t become shalom bayis ones either. In a situation where the son-in-law is in conflict with the mother-in-law, and the wife takes her mother’s side, it’s very important for the husband to tread carefully and not try to force his wife to see things his way.
